Sunday, 11 July 2010

going with the tides...

Today, I've felt the most pain I've felt in a long time. And I know, much of it is down to emotional triggers and PTSD. It's gotten me thinking of the dialogue from earlier and hindsight is 20/20...Some lessons come round again, with a different depth.

I'm learning about how being reactive is the worst enemy of any relationship. I know that I felt so consumed by my own pain that I didn't see... but there is truth to the screaming words of someone else- not MY truth, but theirs. And they were in pain. At the time I forgot my empathic understanding and didn't react well. If there's anything positive about such situations it is that things can be worked upon, I can learn to do things differently next time. It's okay that I've fallen and bruised my knees. I learned from it.

It's not okay the things that were said, but as I understand it- words mean nothing when someone reacts and acts out in such a severe manner, I think they are needing to be heard, either by themselves, or by someone else. In this case, it was someone else that needed to hear all this anger and vengeance- but it wasn't me. It was someone who caused a lot of pain for the both of us for a long time. But, again, it's not mine to own. I know I've written about this before, but this time it's not to show me how I can be strong, or put up boundaries, or know what's mine or theirs- but to seek a different way of responding that is instead, validating. To myself, and to another. It seems I am receiving the same lesson back to try and cut through the Cognitive Dissonance that is happening within me. The old beliefs are trying to cling on for dear life, while they only serve to hurt me and are not useful to me- and that the new beliefs are being put in front of me to remind me that this is where my peace lies- with them. And it's true- I feel more peaceful when I go beyond the moment of reacting, either internally, or externally- and listen to what is prompting me.

I've learned something of my own reactions today too. And that is, there's a possibility that I will never be validated for who I am, I cannot rely on others to get it.What was stewing inside me is a deep need to be heard- and I think, I mostly need to hear myself. Maybe it's a test for me to stand on my own two feet and see myself- I know it will make me stronger. Where I am now is caught right in between trying to rid myself of any toxicity inside of me left over from the past- integrate what I've learned, and trying to develop my aware ego. Somewhere in me, maybe, is telling me that amongst all this work I'm doing- I must not forget to listen to my own voice.
There's a very wise, intuitive woman I know- she's like a second mum to me, she once told me this- and I take it with me- "Healing is a balancing act. Of course you're going to have some extremes. The pendulum has to swing both ways before it can meet in the middle."
It's hard sometimes. We feel, we get caught up in feeling, and what we forget because we're blinded in those moments- is that feelings pass. We may feel like the world has stopped today and everything is wrong. But, in a few days, we don't feel like that any more. It's like the tides, washing us out into unknown territory- we get frightened and try to grasp on to anything- but the tide will move us anyway. We have no control, and any resistance will just cause further persistence.
Today I am thankful for a dear friend who has helped me to see past the blind spot. I'm going with the tides.

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