Tuesday, 30 November 2010

When the path seems harder...

As I posted a few weeks ago now, I have been in something emotionally that has been a bit of a challenge to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, I am not dealing with it very well. So, the best I can do at this very minute is look at my internal state.
My 'Thought God' at the moment seems to be avoidance- 'I'll do it later' or' No, I don't want to go there right now, lets do something mindless because I don't want to think'.
I've noticed that my inner Critic has come back with quite a vengeance, I feel a lot of resentment stirring inside. I think, there is some confusion going on inside me at the moment, some cognitive dissonance. I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle, and everything I have read on the Pain Body and identifying with the 'voice' as the actual Self is a mistake to make. So, my confusion is- all of the inner insights, voices and instruction of wisdom- although they help, do they define me? Are they 'I'-Higher Self, or are they Ego? Are they aware or are they masquerading as 'higher authorities' in an attempt to gain control?
So, these questions pose a conundrum. The only thing I really know through the awareness of just witnessing what is going on in my internal dialogue/ego right now is- the unaware, young Ego will do all it can to survive. If it means pretending to be an ally, or the voice of wisdom from higher Source- if it means having the appearance of Transmutation it will do so to survive. The predominating emotion that comes with self-awareness and how Ego deals with it is fear. Many transitions cause unnecessary fear- because the Ego knows these are uncharted territories and it is 'unsafe' and the old world, however marred with pain, is somehow 'easier' to be in. Old patterns of dysfunction are 'easier' to upheld. So, when a point comes in the stage of growth where the memory or old buried issue that appears is frightening, and hurts, and is scary, even in the understanding of 'it's just an emotion, it's just a stage and it will pass' the Ego has a great deal of arsenal's at it's disposal. Old internal dialogue is used, inner Critic employed to threaten and demean other aspects of the Ego (the ones who truly are grasping the journey) and defense mechanisms employed. Denial, avoidance, inertia, exhaustion, and a great resistance to any further movement. This is the stuck place. This is where I am now.
I am exhausted, and there is something in me that says 'make the voice silent'. It doesn't necessarily mean the inner, constant internal dialogue, rather my own actual voice. My own voice lately has been reactive. I have allowed my ego to have my tongue, and if I just go silent, and refuse it's access to want to judge, or control, if I get rid of the 'need', by going silent, and being mindful and actively listening, maybe I can release some of it's hold over me.
I feel a little despondency. I have allowed doubt to come through to my inner haven. I am doubting my resilience, doubting my reality, and doubting my belief. I realize that over a period of time, that a certain stage triggered the Ego to being terrified it was no longer an authority or even useful and it took hold. I was too tired to see, and allowed it in. Now things must begin to change, and as slow as progress might seem, it only matters in mastering myself and regaining my serenity.
The journey may be hard and long but in the end, when the heart is light and beauty is felt- even in moments, we are there.

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