Monday, 20 September 2010

listen, my child.

If you need to break apart, break apart. If you need to cry, and you need to feel that fear in you- if you need to feel completely exposed- let yourself. Because there are worse things that can happen to you- and worse things that can happen if you don't. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There may be a part of you that will fight and say 'NO you CAN'T. You CAN'T feel this, you have to shut up because I say so.' Let me tell you my baby, that this part of you is just as scared as you are. So scared of being exposed and not being brave because hurting seems a worse fate than death. But it isn't. Even if your heart ends up being broken, it'll mend. I promise and guarantee that to you. And in the end, it doesn't matter who is the one breaking your heart, because even the people that are worth crying over, sometimes they've been sent to show you something, sent to teach you, sent to show you a light or for those who aren't worth crying over to show you darkness.
My beautiful baby I don't want you to see darkness. I don't want you to see and experience horror. I want to protect you and love you but I know I can't put you in a bubble and make you safe, I can't protect you always. I know that there are some things in life that you'll need to go through too- you'll need to get burned, you'll need to hurt sometimes and it won't make a lot of sense at the time. And the pain will be really hard to deal with, but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I BELIEVE in you. I know, that no matter what, even though you're going to be scared, that you are such a brave, beautiful spirit that you will come through it. I believe you will be okay. Because I know just how strong you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you believe any different because I've seen what you've come through, and how you still smile and you still have light in your heart.
I want to tell you that I will always be here for you. The dark places in this world- they aren't pitch darkness. There is always a light there, and only doubt that tries to smother it. One thing that remains constant and always will, an undying light, is my love for you. No matter where you are, you have every single piece of my heart. The real love in this world, the undying kind is the kind to always hold on to. Because in times of doubt, I want you to remember WHY people love you. Not why people don't. Those that don't are closed off and it's because of who THEY are, not because of you. Don't ever stop believing in you, and what you are and what you can do. Feel that vulnerability in you, because it's BEAUTIFUL. It's that little part of you that is forever young. That part of you doesn't need to be squashed if a contaminated person who refuses to take responsibility for himself tries to take you in and make you feel inadequacies that aren't yours. But that part of you does need you to stand up and be a mum- and to walk away. Because let me tell you from my own experience- even if a person had the strongest sense of self and self-esteem- and knew and loved themselves so much in the healthiest way possible- being subjected to constant lies, spite and hate filled words- it would wear on them.
Nobody should be allowed to kill your spirit my darling. There are some in this world, that unfortunately do try very hard to do so. And it isn't fair that they do. But there is a way for you to get away from that. And that is- walk away when you start to doubt reality. If someone hurts you, don't shrug it off, tell them that it hurt you. If they refuse to listen, and carry on doing it, then walk away. If someone makes you feel like you need to hush up and be quiet and not say how you feel- walk away. The minute someone hurts you physically, or attacks your character- walk away. Don't ever accept the unacceptable.
I wish I could feel all of this for you. But, some things happen, and they happen to make you strong. They happen to test. And you know something? If you make a mistake- the world isn't going to end. Nobody worth a dime will judge, The Universe won't judge- because even in the mistakes you can become stronger and more committed to righting the mistake, and you can learn. Don't beat yourself up because you got something wrong. It's OKAY if you do. Human beings were never meant to be perfect or exactly so and right- so never listen to that belief if it ever does come up. Always listen to yourself, always acknowledge, even the things inside that seem darker because they have something to say- they have something to teach- acceptance. Acceptance, because- you have a choice. First and foremost, most importantly, above all else- YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You don't have to do something that inside, you know will hurt you but something will try to drive you to it anyway. You don't HAVE TO. Ask 'why' but don't be afraid to let go. Some things will just come to you in time. Time isn't slipping away from you, and if it takes a little longer to get to where you want to be- what does it matter? As long as you get there, it's all that matters.
Celebrate your beauty my gorgeous child. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much words can't even describe. You are my light, and you taught me what love is.

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