Monday, 20 September 2010

Going down, pulling up.

Today, I'm low. I've been low for a few days now, anxiety attacks, and struggling. After my trigger the other day I have struggled with a new 'enemy'- procrastination/inertia. I don't think this is plain exhaustion, because I can't seem to bring myself to do the very things I need to do. And they are little things. I was wondering whether it does go back to self-sabotage- whether this is my internal dialogue testing me to see if I truly do believe in myself. In fact-I believe I have been having a crisis of faith for a while- in me. Maybe some part of me REALLY wants me to fail. In which case, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of trying to surrender but being stuck in nothing because I can't muster up the momentum to move forward. I feel frustrated, and sick and I've had enough. I don't want to head down a slippery slope, and I don't want to be scared any more.
Maybe this goes back to my Protector/controller energy. It's been a protector of my vulnerable child for a really long time now, even to inner child's detriment- pushing away everyone in my life and making me feel invisible. Being invisible is a very lonely place, and not taking ANY risk is just as bad. And that was all in the name of protection. I feel myself going back to that place, and I don't want to. I don't want to be alone any more, not in my heart.
Has my protector energy kicked in because my inner child got seriously frightened?
Or- is my protector controller frightened to death because it can smell rebellion on the horizon?
I don't know exactly what is going on in me but I know if I'm not careful, it's going to be like pressing a 'pause' button on me and my life, and it just hurts to much to do that any more. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and be a spectator to all of the joy that my life could bring... I'm despairing and crying here because I want IN. I want IN on my own heart.
I know I need to be brave. I know I need to pull myself out of this, and work it through, and regardless, even if this 'threat' doesn't go away any time soon, I need to work. I need to do the little things that the inertia keeps saying- 'ah do it tomorrow'. And really, I need to stop listening to that voice. I guess I need to start reading again because I'm back in foggy land.
And so is the journey of healing- one step forward, and two steps back. I have to hug my vulnerability. I have to just become quiet again.

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