Wednesday, 22 December 2010

'I Have Time' and other revelations

The greatest 26th birthday present from myself and to myself this year has been a quiet comfort, a deepening serenity, and a greatly thoughtful permission. This year, I say, 'I Have Time.'
What I mean by this is my understanding of my growth journey. It has been ageless. It has been not controlled by me, or the earth, or anyone or anything else. It has been a simple stirring and waking up of my soul, which I liken to as the waxing and waning of the moon- at times, truly visible in it's beauty, in other times elusive and disconcertingly removed from my sight by the vocal,constant chatters of my ego. I have no control over it. At times, I have found myself in despondency, wondering why I am worrying over this and that when it is taking up such precious time that I would like to fall in love, connect and embrace with my true Spirit. And I realize, even this despondency is 'need' (however more aware it may seem) that now I have finally connected to Self-worth and seen inner beauty, I believe the doubt that my soul has again receded and I am alone again, with the Ego, and inner processes that cause me great dislike. This is just another split off aspect of the Ego- which needs conflicting beliefs/ideals/identities to continue it's constant dialogue. So, 'I Have Time' simply means to me that I allow for the natural occurrence of the cycles to complete. 'I Have Time' means that the despondency, the anger, the sadness and loss is lessening faster and faster and there is a clarity, a sense of awareness and watchfulness in the stages I am going through, even listening to insecurities and old internal dialogue, realizations of my inner child, painful memories of past- they do not burn and cut me as they once did. I am 'seeing' them, and feeling them, but on a different level. Not that of apathy, but that of a very quiet compassion.
I have lived with my ego for quite some time, and as much as I have disliked and even hated at times, feared it and felt so alone in it's company- I realize that maybe- Ego has a true purpose. NOT to be the all encompassing, all defining vessel of internal dialogue, passed down from dysfunctional Family Of Origin, not to be a vessel of constant self-hatred, criticism, doubt, conflict, and defense mechanisms gone mad- but instead a vessel of TRUTH. Through the eyes of the ego we see the imperfect journey in all it's glory. We see the struggles. We see the fears. We see what we have been ruled by. We see what we have run from. And our soul feels great love and compassion for even these so-called failures because- they are still growth. Even if we do not see the wisdom in toppling- in being imperfect- our soul does. And like-wise, the Ego is also the vessel for triumph- and also, through it's own journey, learns to release it's hold on the soul and it's qualities and allows them to show through. And the rewards for this are balance and serenity.
So, I cannot hate my ego. I know that the ego itself is going through it's own process of transition. It is going from being an 'asleep' unaware ego into an aware ego. I do not know when Ego will fully embrace the true purpose- it is not on my watch, it is not for me to decide, it is out of my control, I do not have the God-like authority to command that 'it will be done NOW'. Everything in it's natural time. For as long as this earth has me, each moment is not 'I do not have time, I have too much to do, think about, fret about, fear about' but- 'I Have Time.' And 'I Have Time' forever more.

No comments:

Post a Comment