Wednesday, 5 January 2011

'It doesn't matter'.

I've been thinking on this statement for quite some time. I used to believe it was apathetic, dismissing, voice stuffing. And now, I see it with a whole new meaning.
I see the struggle with the ego, hearing the constant thoughts and dialogue, feeling the 'need'- for validation, to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted, to be felt, to be recognized. I listen to the endless argument/conflict inside. But, it doesn't matter. None of it does. The 'need' to be these things- is immaterial. It doesn't matter because it already IS. It is a mute point, because I am seen, heard, felt, and comforted, and more importantly, I am seen, heard, felt, comforted and recognized by myself. I just at times lose the capacity to see it, so like defense mechanisms past, I 'want' to seek it outside of myself. But it doesn't matter. What struggle is there- if I am honest?
If this is a part of the journey where I am building foundations of self-trust in different attributes of myself- then this is a stage of growth. I may not believe 'yet'. But I will, in time. All I can do at this point is be self-compassionate, and not let my 'want' to become my voice and actions.
I think about fear. I think of what I am afraid of. And what is that fear? It's of the unknown. It's of situations beyond me that are not 'safe', that I have no sway over, that I cannot control. Again, this is an ego issue. It does not matter! It does not matter because this struggle is needless. Things will always be out of my control, the only thing I have in this world is my own free will, and I pledge to use it wisely. So, it does not matter. I can surrender it, as much as my ego screams not to.
I think of the many emotive situations that are happening for me right now. And I recognize this- it is a transition. There is something happening within, I know this feeling, it's completely familiar. It's almost like the ego has some fore-knowledge of the new stage ahead of me, and has it's freak out. I am afraid. But I see it and it does not matter. It does not matter because I will be okay. Many of the things I fear, or think I 'need' will serve me no purpose for fighting them, and giving in to them. Because I have found so much that I have run from in the past has benefited me a great deal through facing them now. And if this fear has appeared to remind me of 'I CAN', and my strength, then I am thankful for it. And if, this 'need' has appeared to remind me of the qualities that I DO have, but I do not believe yet, then I am thankful. And maybe, in refusing to engage the conflict of the ego (which is the distraction) but to listen to the gems that can appear in seeing into the heart of it- looking into the face of vulnerability- this is the key to working through these recurring themes within myself. Many things in life can be a seemingly tedious distraction from the real feeling life. But, it is the conflict that 'does not matter'. The conflict does not matter because it takes away from peace, it takes away from listening, and being silent. But, sometimes, if we look hard enough into our ego's, the very thing that it 'wants' is the very thing we either have inside of us already, or the thing we need to surrender. It already IS. It already will be. So, it does not matter. I know now. I understand now. I am on the edge of this transition, and I am actually excited. Because on the edge of fear, is serenity.

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