Thursday, 5 May 2011

Returning to the quiet place.

I'm back from the emotional twilight I have been in. I find myself today feeling quite relieved and praising the Universe because I feel exorcised of all of the immense anxiety I have been feeling of late. The anxiety being, that I 'must' and 'should' and directly again tying to the false construct of core beliefs of inferiority. I have felt left behind, abandoned and forced by my own inner constrictions to 'do' something other than what my path brings me to, indulging in feeling helpless, indulging in feeling sorry for myself in my own seeming inability to make the choice that needs to be made for my own Self.
The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what caused a dramatic shift from this morning, with some prevalent shakiness and tears, to this afternoon, with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, balance, and quietness. I feel like something has lifted off from my shoulders, and I feel more like 'me' again, because finally, I have regained my peace. I had a challenge, instead of taking on more college work and the diploma this year, to finding a placement at a refuge and having the experience and confidence, so that when I am ready, once the course begins again next September, I can already have a better chance of a trainee placement. Although I was and am happy with this proposition, I was disappointed and tearful that this meant, yet again, that I would have to take another year out of college. But as my tutor pointed out, he knows that I am dedicated to what I want and need to do, and that I will not give up. He's right.
That conversation left me with a feeling of 'what do I do now?' but thinking on it, something stirred within me. I know, that he has my best interests at heart, he wants to see me succeed, he wants me to be good at what I do, and he wants me to do this with making sure *I* am okay too. That's care, and I understand that. And with that gift, I know I need to extend that care to myself as it is imperative that I self-care and do not burn out. THAT is what will enable me to be good at what I do. Being good to myself, letting go of expectations, rigidity, and forced, self-induced silence. To let go of self-abuse, under the guise of 'being strong, I have to do this on my own', and to let go of criticism. To be able to gage where I am ready to go, where instead of barking 'shut up!' to my inner fears, to instead be quiet and reassure them that it is okay- to be self-compassionate, this is where it starts, being good at what I do.
And I think I finally know what strayed me off the path. I felt, for a while so alienated, so lonely and cut off, and became hardened out of fear. What I worried about was losing my capacity to care. What I realized is- I never forgot. I never could, never can. It isn't about rescuing, it isn't about obligation- it's about understanding. It's about being present. It's about feeling. It's about seeing, in the quiet, the internal witness as who I really am. It's about SELF CARE. I got lost in a whirlwind of cognitive dissonance, in my moment of panic, of pain, of extreme fear of everyone and everything- that to love another, one must first extend it to oneself. I forgot what it was to be self-compassionate. And now, I am at peace. Now, I understand. And now, I know in my quietness, beyond all doubt that I am okay, and I will be okay.

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