I haven't visited here in quite some time. Truth be known, I have felt somewhat bereft of my path- my love, light and truth. I have felt 'swallowed' by another- by the loudness of their own ego, by my own fear and helplessness leading me into dangerous territory- servitude. I never realized that I was so deeply afraid of being abandoned- as I have spent so many years- so much of my life alone, and with no one around me. I didn't think or acknowledge that there are two distinctions of that behaviour- those who act it out by seeking relationships, holding out and on like grim death- and those who act in by pushing all away through fear of feeling that pain. Alone is the insurance policy to stop those from getting in to cause such pain. Now of course I am in full swing of the acting out- I am owning this. I see it, I beat me up a little bit over it- because I know no reaction is better for me, for my own sanity. My ego has forever gotten me into verbal scrapes that I haven't wanted to be in, for the sake of stubbornness, triggers through voicelessness-
and here has finally come the impasse-
'DOES ANY OF THIS REALLY MATTER?'
And so I have reached the place of re-evaluation yet again. Which I have found in the state of stagnancy that feels like my constantly present roommate right now- to be a blessing. I have been verbally abused and treated the equivalent of a dirty dish cloth. But I see now, even in this feeling of fear- that I am not those things. I am okay. I have given more and above of what I can, and own the dysfunctional nature of giving all of me- that's mine. I have never learned not to, and I believe the path I am on now will start to set me free of that.
The Universe has been kind to me- in the sense that many small steps have been put into my path- suggestions that previously I would not have thought of (through unconsciously feeling helpless, most probably) or options opening up- or offers of actual help- that help me to get out and be free to do something that will give me strength. So, as it is right now- I feel I have been asked to re-visit. In as much as I feel a little sad to be 'right back at the beginning' I recognise I am not 'right back where I started'. I have tools, life experience, knowledge, and ability to self- nurture- and they can be used when I need them. If fear creates cognitive dissonance and I can't see my tools- I can ask. I can ask for help. I forget so much- keep so much inside of me, and stay down low- and it is because I am used to the feeling of hopelessness. Now things are changing. I remind myself- this humbling path that means I need to break open- also will give me the chance to live a blessed life- free of my fear. Fear is only great when it goes unacknowledged- and so this becomes the second part of my self-actualized journey- action.