It has been a reflective day. I have been listening to my ego today, it's talking points, it's justifications for defenses.... and I have also stumbled upon information that seems to be a pointing arrow at what I have already come to- breaking open. Feeling what I need to feel- feeling what the ego doesn't want to feel- but doing it anyway. Crying, hurting, being angry- doing it anyway and not covering it.
The most frightening part of that is the thought of 'not coping'- but in all honesty? Am I?
Is anyone? Or are they again just mechanisms of avoidance, denial? Ways of 'staying safe' in self-imposed sensory deprivation?
It's time to break out of the cocoon. I do not feel safe. I am being at the moment victimized by another's wrath- regarding my inability to provide service. I am being met with attack. I am being met with an enemy, and I have learned an iron, about face is a stronger defense.
I am also met with the dual need not just to be protect myself, but to be alone to feel, accept, and sit with the emerging openness. How can presence begin to prosper in noise, and brash narcissism? I take myself outside- and there is peace. I have been treated to the sight of blankets of starlings circling, resting together with almost deafening squalling, and then taking off again with flurries of beating wings. The sky has been full of fishbone clouds reaching across the horizon, a crescent moon sat high. A pair of ring-necked doves cooing and searching for a place to roost. So much beauty- I wish I could be with it all the time. I ask for peace and serenity, and for the Universe please to grant me a way through. I will get there to that place.