So, as of two months ago, my situation back in Godney broke open. It was no longer a wound coming to the surface, it became unbearable and from there- I have flown. I find myself in the middle of everything- by the coast, living each day as it comes, having not much of anything, but in the same breath living more life now than I have in ten plus years. In my whole youth even.
Today I am alone, in solitude. The windows are open, I can hear traffic and the smell of fresh fish and chips wafts in. If I listen above the music that's blasting out of here- I can hear sea gulls. On a quiet night I could probably hear the sea, being as I am only a stones throw from the prom. I feel troubled- by what seems to be happening inside of me. An emergence of psychic ability perhaps? A connection to another soul in some capacity I don't understand- except that the moment our eyes met across the bar there was a spark of something- attraction, like a magnet. A feeling, not of fluttering in the stomach, but like a deep, heady breath. And I felt awakening of something in that. An acknowledgement of my womanhood. I have not realized in my solitude- my nun-like status, the power of that kind of attraction.
And, as quickly as I began to work out how I felt- as quickly as my lack of confidence shook me to again move back to my place of safety- of not doing- he was gone. I felt a slight mourning at that- but something stranger began to happen. I knew and had a perception of why he had left. I knew and had a perception of his son's name. I knew and had a perception of the soft soul he is. I do not know this man. I have only seen his face and met his eyes. I have not spoken even a greeting. And yet already I know so much. I do not understand why I know this. I try to work out- is this a deeper connection to another- is this what it looks like when two unknown souls collide? When there is a deep knowing and in the ignorance of being strangers- that feeling is misplaced, given way to confusion- leading to more questions- metaphysics, or just rationality of coincidence?
Maybe I dreamed of him. The stranger I already know.
(Editted to add)
This situation ran it's course. In it's entirety it gave me a great depth of clarity and realization of how it is better to stay true to my own values and listen to my moral compass. It has given me a realization of the awakening of unconscious dyfunctional urges, however, it is merely a 'feeling' and I can give it little or more power- I choose to give it none.
I believe with my intuition, that my higher self was giving me protection. I believe she- or her identity in this life as an untouched me- she told me about this man. She told me about the situation. She told me, steer clear. I know in my confusion, my ego made pictures of acting out old wounds. Logic told though that I had very little information so I sat back, and sure enough, the situation played out with me staying quiet and not acting. Fireworks and dramatics from the other side, and thus told me plainly- I do not need to be involved in this.
I know how I have been brought up and I will also not be used as gossip fodder. I have awakened to be thrown out into this huge wide world where my abilities to be and do grow stronger every day. It is more important for me to gain in self-strength and focus. I acknowledge my shadow without the critic and thank it for the beautiful, striking views into my subconscious.