I find myself on the edge, again. I know, possibly, through out this life time, I will find myself in this familiar place a few times. My hope is, that after some time- I find it easier to deal with. As the book of inner peace I have here states- 'sit and smile when everything goes quite wrong'. I found myself meditating on this thought last night and it occurred to me, thinking of my own battles- that there are two types of battles- the war with oneself, and the battle of life. Then it occurred to me- that it might be one and the same. If the fight is within oneself, then one fights with all- in the name of resistance. Struggle and pain is all part of life- Samsara. But, if I continue to be in resistance saying continuously that 'I do not want this. I did not ask for this. I cannot cope with this.' The fact is- that yes, I can cope with this. I do every day. Despite the severe anxiety, the stress, low mood, the crying- feeling on the edge- I do cope. Today is a new day and I am awake. I do not know what it will bring. There's a great beauty in that. I could go through my morning in anticipation of pain, in anticipation of something bad, or frightening happening. Or I could just flow with the changes just like I have been- despite what I think. I would like to get to that point where I can smile, when things are falling apart around me. I have a feeling that the remedy, the cure- lies in acceptance of my fear, and my emotional state. My ego does not want to feel these things. It sits, trying to think of ways it can avoid the inevitability of feeling this. Be in my day dreams. Be in a happier place in my imaginings. Be busy. I'm not going to apply 'should' to myself in this... because I know it just puts undue pressure on myself, and it gives me more reason to feel that I am not measuring up to where I want to be. Maybe, at this moment, vacillating between that fight or flight- is where I will find yet another of my soul qualities, one of my sacred virtues. I am blind at the moment, and I am frightened, however- I am left with the understanding that I have something to learn here. I have been gifted pain in this life to understand myself, to know myself- and to understand my path. There is not anything more beautiful, more stunning than that knowledge. This is my path.
So, here it is. Life is a challenge. My fear is standing on the precipice, looking down. Perhaps I just need to look at the birds soaring in the sky above me. They are free, they do not fear the ground. Perhaps I need to look in perspective- at the road before me. No matter how much I rush it- in my current physical state, in my current learning state- if slow and steady is how I make it past the crossroads- then this is what is meant to be. I will make it to acceptance- in life's time. I can but only, right now- use the patient exercise of every hour- taking a deep breath and surrendering. And remembering those birds calling above my head.