Conflict and struggle are all part and parcel of having a dual nature. I've been thinking the last few days of how living in my skin is a strange experience. Not that much of it is new, I've lived 28 years. But it has been an uncomfortable process that has remained subconscious until now, while the experience has bled through into my awareness.
I'd describe it as unstable, like an element. It's structure integrity is constantly becoming unglued, and then fused, smashed apart, repaired, made brand new, or recycled from something old like a cannibalized part. It's taxing, because it creates constant fractures. What is known, what is becoming known, and the running over of old defenses of denial, a process to create an illusion of order, control and safety. It's war, on an internal scale to configure and integrate. It's never ending, the point no closer to becoming whole, but it's growth still. And it is worth it, the pain of what decides to draw swords, because as much as the process of synaptic growth means that new must be formed and to throw the old route, the known into disarray is uncomfortable (Cognitive Dissonance), to the point at times where one wishes to escape from the confines of the mind.. It finds peace.
Soon the new routes will be well formed. Soon, something lighter will appear in the darkness of what was once a recess.
It's all uncharted territory, and daunting, and at times downright exhausting. It's always new, because we are always growing an inner skin.