Sunday, 6 October 2013

Staring it in the face.

Everything can change, in an instant. In a moment. Last night set in turn a series of events that sped forth with a momentum that caught me so hard that it almost took my breath. It came in the form of truth. One a harsher one, but definitely one I needed to face. I opened up for the first time in months, about what was happening with me with another family member. And the options were put to me- reality. Stay and submit to what I have. Or go, and live my life.
The cards are laid out on the table and it's pretty clear what needs to happen. I've said before that being deathly afraid of something happening to the point where the alternative is more frightening, that's the crescendo of fear exiting. And that's what's happened.
I've been plagued by fear my whole life. It's been my keeper over and above everything. It's kept me in a place where if I think about how I can deal with fear now, I've faced pain worse. So even if I might get a whisper of 'are you sure you can do this? Look how wrong it all went before, you failed.' I can know that even if I do fail again, I can face it. I can live through it. And this time, dare I imagine the possibility that I might, just might- actually succeed. Is that such a scary possibility?
That I might thrive is the unknown. That I might one day be alright, okay and fine- that's something I have not quite grasped. I've survived being not okay for so long, and now it's time to be okay.
Maybe it'll go wrong. Maybe it'll just fall into place. Maybe I'll have days where my energy leaves me to stop putting in place what I need to, but I'll not let it get me this time. Because reality is all this time I've been told I can't do. But now I know differently.
I have a working timeline. I know what I need to do. And all this time I was thinking all I needed was self belief. But it isn't about that. It's about reality. And it's about being changed to the point where there are no self loving alternatives in where I am. And where it's come to the point where I need more, from other people, but moreover, from myself. 
I will not be preoccupied by fear of failing again. Because now I have a weapon against it. And now, I can rejoin the world, and be exactly who I am.
And it can't be much better than that.

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