Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Sitting with myself
Today I feel an opening. It's a little different. Usually, when I have felt pain, it has hurt and overwhelmed immensely. But today is telling me that sometimes its the fear of the gravity of grief that is the strength of feeling, not the grief itself. Therefore, at least releasing some is taking my white knuckle grip away from it all and losing my footing. I'm already hurting, if I fall, another hurt won't matter. It won't be an addition it will just be an adaptation. Fortitude through feeling it anyway.
It feels precious. I feel clear, not as much confused or sea salt raw... And not numb. My eyes keep streaming, and it's okay. Crying out the shadows in my soul gives everything clarity. There's so much muddy water in here.
I have been thinking on my previous blog post, about how messy the process of growth is. And expanding on that fact, that maybe all I am is one big messy accident. A conflict, a little storm where something clears intermittently and its like the curtains are opened. I can see light. Today is one of those days because... All of this time I have been fighting and hurting over the wrong perceptions of others. Defining myself and my own personal power by the outside damage. And most of all, I didn't quite see that really, as much as I was struggling against them, I was struggling against myself.
I wanted them to see me. But I haven't seen either. I've been ashamed of this one big messy accident that I am.
And the truth is, why?
I've had a past. I've had a lot of pain. I've suffered consequential problems from an early age stemming from those past experiences. And there have been those in my life, that really have added to that by making me feel ashamed of those consequences, like the after effects and blame are fused to me. I have been angry, that I have been blamed for what were not my actions, and that I had no control over. I have been angry that those have not understood.
But I had it wrong. It's not okay that I have been but it's not the real crux of everything.
The fact is... My truth is my truth.
No one can tell me what is wrong or right. We don't live inside each others bodies and minds. We can only perceive from what we see, believe and experience. Sometimes it's a lie. Sometimes we don't get it right. We make mistakes, we have fear, and we're certainly not always governed by reason.
But that also does not mean that we need to be driven by another.
Because truthfully, the answers are no different for them. We are all the same big messy accidents.
The most we can hope for is to meet those who have walked in similar footsteps, and that sparks off the inspiration and strength to find the trust in our own senses to move to where we need to go. Self governing.
It's frightening. Societal conditioning from an early age preaches lies that we can think for ourselves but contradictively seeks to unbundle, shake and diminish our senses of perception. Our senses of reality. So confidence in our self trust, it's shaky at best. But it's a learned process. And it's all our own. No shared conscious, no more confusion in self concepts. We do not bleed into each other.
So, I'm sitting with that concept now. I'm a big messy accident. And right now I couldn't be more grateful for that.