Friday, 13 September 2013
Friday 13th. It's the day when most fear something unlucky.
For me it's always been fortuitous in some way.. I was born on the 13th. It's my number. It's the number of magic. It's got old roots.
I'm looking at today and seeing something in my peripheral. It's like it's just between my inner ear and the feeling, like rope that is tied at my stomach. I'm listening, but it's gathering rather than speaking. Frustrating, a little binding that is tightening. It's all an old feeling, familiar and unravelling but it's more than one at play in my ego, conversing with the volume turned down.
It's what I wish to speak, not to forget it. Self control says to let it go... There's no changing anything now. Responsibility only for my own choices. It's a fine line between boundaries and ego fight, and harder to decipher which one is masquerading as right, and which is something underneath talking from experience.
Today can be fortuitous but it's not always as clear... Luck works through not just the conscious effort and in work of hands- it is not always a bold sight and an active ingredient in destiny.
It is sometimes a shade of grey, unformed and barely tangible.
I've been searching it out, but it's overlooked today, only appearing quietly with a knowing that what I give power to will be prescident.. Active will is something a little different, because in as much as I wish to move on from what I'm deeply entrenched in, I am not quite aware enough to know what is discard and what is my unconscious process. What might be vitally important to me becoming whole and closer to actuality.
It stands to reason that rather than brush it off, just let it do it's work. Let it go and leave the volume turned down but not to dismiss its existence in me. It's there, but I don't have to understand it. I don't have to give it a label.
For that, I might feel a great deal more peaceful- for letting go of that control. That's the disconnect- between feeling powerless for not knowing what 'I should be doing,' and getting it into my skull that the act itself is a verb- of retiring something and letting it be, relinquishing.
I'm not making a great deal of sense, I know. But I'm awake.. Just a little deeper inside my head.