Monday, 23 September 2013
Last nights dream has been on my mind for most of the morning. I dreamt strangely, as per usual.. A kind of parody of my familial system, in a murder mystery style of paranoia where all were questioning motives.. An old aunt had retired into a nursing home with Alzheimer's and a question of 'where the money had gone' was the accusation being thrown. I was in scapegoat role, whilst trying to take care of a baby shared between me and someone resembling John Barrowman (I said it was strange) and asking for support while I worried about the child that was ailing, which later turned into a sick newborn puppy. It later turned out that my very own husband (or whatever he was, the familial characters were a little confusing) had been having an affair and plotting with another family member and had hold of the money. Taken away by the 'police', which were other family members.
Now while I kind of have to laugh at how soap opera it was... The theme itself was pretty telling.
And the truth itself as an eye opener... That while they cast a scapegoat role, looking at the cast of characters and their issues as people rather than a whole dysfunctional unit- it made me see that all this time it's never really been about 'that' role.
Accusation throwing is the three fingers pointing back. Shaming is the same. Projection.
Like a bag of filthy laundry thrown over, while it feels awful, it's a mere reflection of the inner disgruntlements of others. All it is... A reflection. Step back and illuminate the voice that vaults it.
I've been feeling a little more fiery than usual today... I don't usually express anger quite so easily, but it has rolled off my tongue in a truth, and while it feels a lot better to say what is on my mind rather than keep it to myself, it's also made me realize that I have been living in a between place of being a victim and wanting to absolve it. Like partial belief in a lie, because the truth is behind me. The truth is why I am still here. It's pretty stark. But there is cognitive dissonance and confusion to work out still. There's been hurts in the recent past which might have led me to be a little more guarded, and reclaiming the balance will be letting it go. Overall, the whole exercise here beyond those hurts has been figuring out the pieces of truth as a whole picture rather than the old cuts and pseudo pieces which are unable to be placed as they don't fit and are not part of it. Perspective.. On hindsight.
And as much as today has caught me off guard, I am thankful for being able to see a little clearly that while I am not quite there yet, I'm on my way. And it's no pressure, because I'll get there when I get there.