Friday, 14 February 2014

A little piece of me

I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.

The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.

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