Saturday, 15 November 2014
Fear can be like a bubble in the stomach. It floats around, detached, bouncing off the diaphragm, threatening to pop, and expell a burp- but instead, it just expands. And it isn't pretty. It's not like a washing up bubble, the ones that escape from the bottle and shine with liquid rainbows, only to hover and disappear after a moment. Fear bubbles are trapped darkness. They are unexpressed voices. They are the things that haven't yet but spoken out, they are unexpressed rage, pain, frustration, irritability, insecurity... And most of all, vulnerability.
Anxiety attacks mostly focus on the heart rate. It quickens, as the breathing quickens, and the mind races... And it's all connected. But it originates from that bubble, it originates from vulnerability, and it stems from a raw emotional heart.
Popping that bubble is problematic. Mainly because fear and confusion go hand in hand. Confusion that if one pops the bubble, it might in fact, hurt more. That to express it, might mean more intense pain- so the defense mechanisms kick in to stand guard and 'protect'. All in a nascent and naive attempt to do what they think they are supposed to do- be brave. Shut down all unnecessary chatter in order for the ego to 'get through' and 'not fall apart'.
I say it's young... Because those defense mechanisms do not quite anticipate that the darkness.. What is inside that fear bubble.. Has something to say. Has something important to say. Has a need, an imperative to heal.
It's like going into a room where someone is suffering and shutting them down. Shouting over them, and not hearing, not empathising, not connecting. It's not something that anyone would want to do consciously to anyone else, so to extend that harm to the self... Is an unkind denial. And shouting so loud over it... Doesn't mean that the pain will stop, or not be there. It will always be. Until it says what it needs to say.
And then there's that tricky part. 'If I feel this.. I will fall. I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to recover.' Defense mechanisms are the offshoots of a frightened child. Denying the existence of the problem does not make it not so. It's here in the room. It's inside me. It's inside you.
It's not the pink elephant. It just wants out of the bubble.
'There can be no transforming darkness into light, and of apathy into movement without emotion.'