Friday, 26 July 2013

New pieces... New view.

'Transiting Moon in strong square with natal Mercury
The planetary energies conflict; internal and creative tensions bring rich rewards through effort over time.

You may experience conflicts between emotion and reason, for these few hours, or some difficulties in communication with a significant female personage in your life, such as your mother. On the other hand, you will be able to express what you truly feel and that is important for achieving rapport. It is important not to hold back painful communication at this time, since you benefit from taking advantage of having such immediate access to your mental process. You will be more emotionally present for all forms of thinking and handiwork during this brief period, although you must be aware also that your emotions may influence your decision-making process.'

This has resonated with me today, it's strange how at times things can happen exactly how they are told. I woke today with the need to clean up, wash away... And on returning from being out, there was an exchange of words... Where I was able to say what I felt, and broaching that honesty, it felt like I wanted to continue with it, open up all the communication and just say it. Exactly what I know now. 
It was said that I'm full of myself, and that I'm stupid. Things were brought up about my childhood, and that I was a defective child, too much of a challenge to change or work with. 
My response was to say- yes, you do think I'm stupid, and that I'm bad. But you don't know me. 
As I know now, as painful as that communication was.... Is that years ago I would have believed it. I would have believed I am stupid, bad, wrong and useless. But I don't now because they've only seen the outside. They've seen the painfully awkward me, the closed off, distant and wounded. I've been healing in an environment where I do not share of myself but they have known- only half of that information, only forming conclusions from there. I see where I've grown from that point. I see a lot more from knowing a little more on myself... I know as much as I have a shadow and imperfections...I'm not a bad person. 
Here, these people are not my friends. My friends can see a more relaxed, open and energetic me. Where I can exchange and feel happy to spend time knowing that they accept that. They worry when I close off because they know me to be open. 
My familial side is reserved. They know little of my life. I rarely am what I am because I'm not open. They see closed, and so it's a surprise when they see open. They've long drawn conclusions of me. 
I still don't know what the outside world sees. And I'm drawing the conclusion... It doesn't matter. What matters is how I am viewing who I am, how I am growing. The opinion, it doesn't make me because in the end, whether people know me... Like my very good friends... Or whether people don't, there are rarely any kind of bonds where one is accepted for WHO THEY ARE without the general consensus and opinion. 
So without that, this time alone is teaching me... Without these formations of 'what other people think'... How am I viewing my own processes? In reality, with my growth and life path I'll rare have an occasion where I see whole truths, but snippets of clarity- because of shedding a thousand lies I've been told, and have told of myself. Shedding shame, I'm becoming a little less fearful. Because on a whole, I don't know who I am, but I do know that I'm getting more okay as time goes on. 

'What do you think they would say
If I stood up and walked away? 
Nobody here really understands me
And so I'll wave goodbye
I'm fine and I'm fine... 

Your mom and daddy said 
And your sister said
And your brother's sayin...
They're sayin' everybody... 

All my friends patronize me
They say yo hey boy! 
Have you found what you're looking for? 
It seems they don't really know me
'Cause it's here 
It's what they can't see...' 

Tones Of Home- Blind Melon

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