'And I can hum a tune
Anytime I choose
And there's no such thing as time.'
~I Wonder, Blind Melon
Here, I've been under the notion for some time that there is no such thing as well- time. And I really believe there isn't. Days here have this fluidity where they shift so slowly it almost feels like the momentum of the earth, deceptive that it's hurtling through space at 365,000 miles
an hour, akin to a black hole feeling... everything moving in slow motion to the point where much of the time it's static. Days here are lazy, filled with bird song and colour. Today has been the most perfect summers day, and I've been taking in the chroma- of everything, the sky, the butterflies that swoop low and make me smile. And I've been looking at how my inner colours, my aura if you will (Glastonbury personified lol) has been changing today. I've been feeling at peace with myself, and what I am. Those days are rare, where the weight of my ego and the insecurities of what I am not, or where I am falling short- don't seem to matter so much. I've been happy in amongst the immersion of hues and music that have filled my day. And then just like clouds blowing over, it hits- a wave of quiet dysphoria and sadness.
I know what it is.
In the moment, it's all so beautiful. It's a fleeting minute where exactly at that time I am present in my life, not in my former tense, not in my future sense. I'm here.
And then somewhere something speaks to me because I am wide open. The vulnerability and sensitivity that has been with me throughout my life, the sadness that everything really isn't alright. Even though in that precise moment I am fine, something in me speaks and says it isn't.
I am not where I want to be. I've failed, I've slumped, I've left things to go under and get right on top of me and I still fear failing. I hurt. I'm pining for everything I don't have, the life I want and everything I'm bereft of. But... What I forget is-
'life does not wait.'
There is no such thing as time here. And this is what I fear, is that if life stood still then this is forever, like a monument and I've already written my epitaph. This is as good as it gets where I have nothing left and always settle for less.
And yet, there's that magical sense. It's dusk, evening has already settled in and the stars are lighting the sky. Miracles and wonderment lie in them, in the universe. And it exists here on this earth too, in these comparably small lives, where monotony leads with a seemingly binding hand. Anything can happen at any point. Situations are sped forward, and the unexpected is the one thing that is sure in this life.
I've feared change. All these years.. That things might just be so alien that there was nothing left to recognize at all. Until it happened anyway- but things didn't change- I did.
Now and for a while, I feared things staying the same. But just like the change within me, any point marks the end spot here where it's enough and I'm freed.
That's the miracle. I'm alive and at any point life can move. The dysphoria of stasis is only illusionary. And at this point, I'm ready. The excitement of what I can build now brand new... without any limitation. Mistakes and all. Life doesn't wait.