Sunday, 3 February 2013

A slap in face with the wet fish of reality...

My left hand won't stop shaking and I'm feeling rather overwhelming empty and yet full of tiredness, emotion and mostly just in shock. That might explain the numbness.

Today has been a bad day. I walked through the supermarket this morning in a daze and feeling like my head had just been clouted by something. In a few ways it has. As I'm wandering around the produce staring at the apples and fruit and feeling the sense of drain and slight hunger, the familiar sound of that song. Ironic.

It's like rain on your wedding day,
It's a free ride, when you've already paid,
It's some good advice that you just didn't take
And who would have thought it figures...

Life has a funny way
of sneaking up on you
When everything's okay
And everything blows up
In your face...

And I might have found that funny for the stark truth that appears here, a short sharp shock that began with a rather literal rude awakening this morning. Everything has blown up in my face and it's an irony I'm looking at the synchronicities and thinking that someone has a really redundant sense of humour up there.
Maybe it's because I'm feeling a little fragile and a little like a joke myself. Maybe it's because I'm again at that place where I'm saying 'what the hell do I do now?' and am I- all alone???

I was thinking in the car, I don't have myself. I never have. The fundamental blocks of my life have been missing because I have zero self reliance. I have no self belief. I've tried and so far, I've failed. And those people knew it... And they treated me like some joke for it. 'oh she'll be back. She can't cope on her own.'
It's why I didn't go back for so long. I struggled and didn't eat and strove relentlessly to try and make it. Because I didn't want them to be right. I didn't want to be a joke.
They've scoffed and laughed at me behind my back, and I've let them and they've taken advantage of me, and I let them. But this scapegoat is dead.
I've heard every creatively negative, hurtful word that can be thrown my way today. And one thing rings true---
Do people who love treat and talk to others this way?

The answer is no. I'm not loved here. I left in the first place because all that existed was control and i felt completely dehumanized, and it certainly wasn't me that had any kind of life. I was scared coming back here, knowing the same might happen again and it has. Except this time the scapegoat is dead.
I know the words aren't true, they are just nasty words to try and hook me.
I know this has no basis in reality. I know I must be worth more, as a person.
Because for so long I have felt like a 'thing'... An object, nothing. And it has eaten at me to the point where I have almost felt like my life being that meaningless, what was the point in living it? But something got me through and that was- I'm not a thing.
I'm a person. I'm a woman. I'm a 5'5, 9 st, 28 year old female with grey blue eyes and dark hair. I'm corporeal. I'm intelligent, beyond low self esteem which has always been an issue, I have had achievements in my life which mean that I have a brain. I can think. I can study. I can do most of what the next person does. And I have a soul. I have a path to follow.
And thinking tonight I have seen it all come together a little more clear. I'm awake to it and that is these PEOPLE have told me and treated me as I am nothing. For their own moral stance or whatever reason they saw fit to do so. Because I am an easy target because I have never stood on my own.
And it started with him. And it ends with them.
Because this scapegoat is dead and because I will no longer submit to being dehumanized, and being treated as a joke.
Because I'm not one, I never was.
I'm Kyra. And I'm trying to get free.

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