There are times when I feel truly alone with myself and times that it eats at me. I've asked for help a lot over the past few days and my goodness... Has the Universe made its presence felt! And often times today in the most hilarious metaphors and just a new sense of something stronger entering my life.
I walked today again, even though I ache to my bones for it, it was needed. Over the past couple of days I've been left to my own devices and to take care of myself. It almost didn't end well, or so I thought until it just proved to be a lesson. A lesson in which I understand something now.
I had a late breakfast with a sandwich shared with the pup and an energy drink and cigarette, staring at the most beautiful view- scrub and fields and the Tor and dappled clouds, the cold wind whipping at me, singing along with Pearl Jam's 'Elderly Woman Behind The Counter'. And I was so appreciative of all of it. Because this is it- I can look after myself. My question has been over the past few days- why? Why have people felt it okay to try and oppress me? And if everyone thinks I am such a nothing-- am I ever going to be able shake that- to live independently as I crave? But the answer given was different to me was different. The answer given was- this situation where I took care of me. Where I saw again- I can do it. I have will.
And I have choice where that will goes. Do I have to be quiet and be of service- no. I'm choosing to do so when I do. All part and parcel of my people pleasing past.
I can also choose to do for me. I'm strong enough to. I see that now. In fact, the possibilities are endless.
That's what I felt walking back. To be met with an apology, which was a massive shock. Things are changing. I'm changing. The scapegoat will not exist anymore.
My question was answered. These people who oppress- who think they can control... They only matter as much in the power we give them.
The greater message to me today was- 'does it really matter?' look, I can smile quietly and step past it and I can manifest my own path.
I don't have very much, and not a great deal of love. A few but far absent. I love them always but this life will get full again. But in this alone today, I have felt the presence of love and power and thank it greatly for the synchronicities.
And for one last image- my hat was pulled low to shelter me from the wind. Walking down the main road, I was carefully trying to navigate me and the pup through the mud and hit a road sign, full in the forehead. I shook off the embarrassment and giggled... Common sense to make sure I can see above the brim but also- that I need to open my eyes (mentally and physically) to see the signs. :)