Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Change and new orientation and other blessings

I feel lately some changes stirring in me. Right now I'm sat outside and it's the most beautiful day. All I can hear inside the house is relentless footsteps... I see she's task orientated again, as per usual. And that's the thing that has changed for me. As much as my gut feels a little knotted to be in close proximity with her right now, the changes have reached a high point in the fact that I no longer want to chase after her coattails. Before I felt like I 'had to' run myself ragged after her. I had to throw everything, every minute of the day into helping her. One of the most painful memories I had leaving here was the complete lack of respect she had for me, the disdain- and then even more painful was realizing it had left me with some pretty severe conditioned emotional responses. Through some work which sadly I never finished at CODA- I realized that I was trying to 'fix' it- and I was so fearful of the angry response I would get that I bowed and relented constantly. I had no boundaries.

Now, just for the seven months of leaving and forging my own time- I felt at peace with being able to imagine possibilities with my day- the things I could do, if I would choose to do those things alone or to be around people. I discovered fun. I discovered beautiful things- and freedom. Which- coming back here, I mourned because I was sure- that's it. It's over. My life is over. I'm back at living in servitude.
But I didn't bank on how that time on my own had fundamentally changed me. All of a sudden I've been restless. Before it would have been 'enough' even though I was slowly losing the will to live. But now I WANT to live. For myself. And while I can hear the footsteps inside, the swearing, the guilt tripping and manipulation 'I'll do it myself then, I always do.' I'm refusing it. I had felt like it was a bad thing to do nothing. That it was frivolous to want to go out and spend time around people. Because that was what I was made to feel- that it's important to be of service. Now I see it's not. My best friend joked and called me Cinderella the other day, and it's finally a relief to see that other people see too- that this way of living is wrong. So over the weeks I've started to very little by little- get out. On my own. I've been to the pub and spoken to people and to my surprise realized that I am not as socially inept as I've always been told I have been, and always felt I was. I do have people that care about me in my life now, that value me. As much as they are few, the whole experience of being 'out' of that tiny sliver of pie that was my life has shown me that it's the best thing to aspire. Not just for success but to ask the question- how do I WANT to live?
It's been so important for me to live how other people- these people in my past- wanted me to live. They wanted me to be nothing. They wanted me to be their beating board, they felt comfortable and entitled to sound off at me, blame me, project on to me, and abuse. And I was miserable. And now it's done because I can feel the peace now in just pleasing myself. Just being okay with deciding that 'enough is enough' and that I can be okay with relaxing. And if she in particular wants to stress, and run around and not take herself into consideration- its not my problem. I'd felt like that was selfish before, but now I understand how guilt ridden I was. Truth be told I felt guilt ridden for merely existing. This is why- I've held the bonds of dysfunction and let them beat me down, and then just by my admission that it must be my fault- rather than accepting it is their own behaviour- I've been saying 'more please' to more punishment.
And now- I see that it's equally important to let people own their own behaviour. The saying- 'you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.' is ringing in my ears.
I have changed. As much as I am not massively comfortable with the anger and now response that comes with seeing, noticing and accepting that I have been treated disrespectfully, badly and wrongly- I at least now know positively that I am coming somewhere near my own. Because now I'm important. And this assertion feels like its been waiting for me a very long time.

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