Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Stages need to work themselves all the way through, for them to be fully understood. Now hasn't been the time to create the meaning, or see the ideals, but to shed them and to see instead what is really at work, and what is speaking.
What is speaking- is something that I've held since I came back here. I had formed bonds to which I had never felt before, and those bonds, made me feel closer to feeling happy within myself, and finally like I had joined the human race. (Sounds silly, I know). Those bonds do not exist anymore, or have changed in a huge degree. And what I hasn't really contemplated was that the shape of those memories were the things that were keeping me. What they represent is a massive change and reorientation within me, but they are just representative points of where it started, not to where it unfolds, or ends.
I am changed for them. And for the experience, of living. And this last year the changes have been sweeping, and large scale.
I had been holding on and digging my fingernails into the edge of what was the end of something old, staring down into the precipice of something that is new. This is telling me-
Let it all go now.
And as painful as it is, and as difficult the unknowns, I remember that all of this- the precipice- I'm becoming new again too.