It really is going to be okay...

Today I awoke in a panic. Last night, in the throes of my deep avoidance, I let a little knowledge of tomorrow and a deep breath reach me. And just to languish again, in the sweet daydreams and music- until tomorrow. Time to deal with things. And just as irony predicts- it all happens at once. Small annoyances- the milk curdled to cottage cheese sickness in my tea. The lack of toiletries. My empty fridge, lighting my cigarettes on the hob because of my lack of fire. And then, texts, money- all of the worries of 'what the hell am I going to do?' started to reach me. Compounded with a deep level of inner toxic shame, combined with a generous splash of internalization and inner critic as loud as ever. 'Useless. Can't cope. Poor baby, has to go crying home to mama because she just can't- hasn't the capacity to do it on her own.' Shame, for pride- for not wanting my loving family to know- that I am struggling. For me to try to hold this facade of stoic stupidity- 'I'll be okay.'

Really now? Lets get real here!

My anxiety levels were through the roof. Crying, pacing, pleading. Fortunately, a wonderful angel- my friend, was at hand to help. She talked me down from the rafters, a claw at a time. She spoke of dealing with problems one at a time. She spoke, and gave me not only the ability to see straight again, to have my logical brain intact and working under the immense strain of my freaking ego- she gave me some direction. And she did it so- that I, alone could find a solution to my problems. So, I alone could begin to find some meaning out of this madness that is happening with me. So, I alone have to be brave, face the music and forget my pride. So, I can find some little place in me where I can try not to freak out. She said- 'you're changing. Life is changing. If you mess up, it's not a bad thing. You grow from it. But, you just learn to adapt.' She soothed me, she told me- it's understandable to struggle, you are doing all of this for the very first time. She made me feel better. She gave me numbers to call, appointments to book, people to talk to- a direction. And that is something I have been crying out for- for someone to please help me find a way through. Give me something to work with.
Now I feel safer. She encourages me to start taking better care of myself- I haven't. Barely eating, smoking a great deal more. Losing weight- almost 20 pounds now over the past month alone. Living on not much but my anxiety and nervous energy. She takes me shopping for a few little bits. Leaves me at my door, feeling like I just got the bad blood out of me. I'm alive again, detoxifying.
I'm sat here, with a warm cup of tea. Reading through the college prospectus, and turn on the music. 'Shame in You' seemed appropriate- for the stirrings of the realization of what is happening within me. I know this beast now, we've been acquainted for far too long. Now it's loud again, I can try and become quiet and deal with the schemas. I know it may always be with me. I know I will have to check myself, and I will have to work hard to release myself from the clutches of me.
Then, playing through- 'All Secrets Known' - is the voice I needed to hear. That's my life. That's my new beginning. I'm filled with warmth. Really, everything IS going to be okay. My panic might have winded me today. I can feel the prediction of having a minor freak out later when dealing with other situations- but I can do it. Small steps, one problem at a time. This is my new beginning. I feel my wings a little now.
So thank you, my beautiful friend Helen, and thank you Jerry Cantrell and Alice In Chains. Thank you Synchronicity. For your overflowing, beautiful love for me. I asked for help- I received. God bless you.

Alone

Alone. One person, autonomous, single. I'm thinking about that word and it's emotional connection to me at this second. What gravity it has.

I have been hiding. I have been peeking out into the world through a little window, and my eyes have drawn in the curtains and I'm behind my four walls again. Alone.

Through what? In my lifetime, I have been alone for the right and wrong reasons. Right, because I have learned so much about myself through reflection and introspection. I've got my flashlight, taken a deep breath and even in the moments when I have been terrified even in the expectancy of what I might find- I looked into the unknown. I found so much... but not terrible darkness. I have found light there. Wrong- because I have found in my search a bunch of stubborn defense mechanisms that keep me away from the world outside. That keep me away from everything- both good and bad. And that was the staggering realisation as I left home for the first time- that I, alone has actually also been the sticking point in me not experiencing ANYTHING in the outside. How I may not have known hurt and pain, I also have not known friendship. How I may not have experienced extortion of myself and exploitation- but I also have not known to be appreciated as who I am. How I may not have experienced the unsafe- I have also not experienced love. Love, the word that my heart pines for. Because I know now that in my safety I had unsafe- in my home. That I was met with indifference. That I was met with objectification. The very things I feared I lived again this time.
Part of me wonders, all that alone for eight solid years- was it worth it?

And I am loathe to say no. Because I learned. I saw the beauty in the world too. I saw how everything is interwoven, everything has a pattern, a synchronicity. That if I listen hard enough, if I delve deep I will find inner treasure and I have known- in eight years the beauty of me. The beauty of what my alone with nature feels like- how connecting with it, I feel my own light resonating like sun. I have grown.

I feel bereft today because I have not felt the loving care. I have not been alone with the beauty of the world for a while. I have had busy streets, and small corridors of sweet floral scents reaching me through the little walk I take the dog. I have heard lone sparrows chirping. I have felt the cold breeze water my eyes and watched the sun go down on the beach. But I have not been alone with the silence. I have not been alone in fields where nature feels bolder.
And where my family has not been with me. Where I have watched my phone be silent and no call, no familiar voice. No words there.. nobody to reach out to. I feel abandoned in that sense. I wish for someone to hold me. For someone to love me and for this to be okay. I realize- this is my inner child talking, this vulnerability weeping within me is the need for outside validation.
But also- I recognize inner treasure here. My defense mechanisms are cracking. I am feeling more. Not the prideful stoicism as before- but the feeling world. I am opening. I know, that even in acceptance of how I feel lonely, vulnerable, sad, anxious, and grief- that I open a little fraction more of my heart. My breaking heart is beautiful, because it means release. It means that the stagnating pools have bust the dam and I am gushing out- not in chaos, but in quiet acceptance. In empathy for myself. In the name of self-love.
So, alone means this- I remember, even though I forget sometimes and lose sight through the grip of fear- to be gentle with me. Because alone means I have nurtured enough of me to know- I deserve that of myself.

The Power of Choice

'Make the RIGHT choice'.

I could gather a million scenarios for what the right choice is- and in turn, what it means.

But today, and for a long time now- making the 'right' choice has been about what is emotionally healthy. Of course I screw up, of course I make mistakes and falter- but it's all a learning curve. Sometimes it is indeed important TO make mistakes so one can learn and grow from them.

But, what if- somehow- I was given the foresight, and enough 'spiritual nudgings' not to go down a path?

Yes, I might make a decision to follow my internal urges, which are unhealthy and chaotic. They lack in self- and this is where my path can grow dark because I look to 'fill me up' with external validation. If I was completely unaware, following my urges and conditioned nature would just be an unconscious reflex.

The difference IS awareness. Sometimes we seek out to fill with what unhealth we had before. The scewed perception means that we 'think' that it might feel 'better' this time. Until we realize- no- it ALWAYS felt bad. But it was second nature, and that was the excuse. We just fill pain with pain. We just kill ourselves slowly in the name of self hate.

Awareness is something that grows. It's something that is nurtured. It's not something that comes with self-critisism. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' in learning emotional consciousness and introspection. It doesn't matter how many times we falter- as long as we always get back up- and as long as we finally get it. We can spend a lifetime in resistance and denial- can spend a life time running- but there comes a time when we finally surrender. Life has a way of closing doors loudly eventually- until all of our old escapes do not fill the writhing panic within us. Then we are alone, truly.

Do you loathe what looks back in the mirror every day?

What makes you think you deserve this destruction?

Why do you turn from yourself?

And then it comes, the flood gates open. But, the worst pain you feel- has only been amplified by the marathon sprint in the other direction. It has only become poisoning through the avoidance. The human mind that has been conditioned in dysfunction creates barriers and walls and creates a demonic visage of pain- therefore, it must be run from.

But it isn't as terrific and soul destroying as it is believed to be. It is the belief that it is 'all bad' that needs to wane- not the acknowledgement of your suffering. Grief needs to be processed. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, your old defense mechanisms and behaviours will kick into play and they will whisper to you like the proverbial devil on your shoulder to 'just do the familiar'. But, if you just HOLD ON- and acknowledge the unhealth as old behaviours- and do something healthy- even if it just be having a hot bath, eating, taking a walk in the fresh air or reading something inspiring- even calling a friend- reaching out so you are not alone in the bowers of your suffering. That is as simple as self-nurture can be. And when we are in resistance, we often feel like these tasks are impossible- however, sometimes it is just as important to breathe a little and come out of our heads, even if only for a short time.

Some days you won't get it. Some days you won't feel like leaving your bed. Some days might feel absolutely terrifying. Some days you might feel like self-medicating. It is important not to beat yourself up for feeling like this. Self-critisism is in fact, half of the problem. Because your ego tells you to 'do this right' and because you lack in self-belief and esteem- the inner critic creates a paradox where you will always lose. You will always be inferior and less than and because you don't get it right according to the ego's authority- the old whispers of behaviours will come back. But, your ego is NOT the authority it believes itself to be. A little information to an ego is just a reason to use it to aggrandize itself, or to punish and distort, or gives more reason to avoid facing what you must. It knows, in actual fact- very little. It only knows what it has learned through your experiences. It does not know yet what is healthy.

What you feel can also limit what you can do. In actual fact, your possibilities are endless. But your mind isn't free yet. Growing means that your peripheral vision expands- so you can SEE how much freedom you have. It just all depends on what you do with it. This is the power of choice.

It is just as important to acknowledge your strength. If you are filled with self-hate then it may be hard to focus on this task. But, firstly- realize how MUCH you have survived. You've come through and you are still standing today. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge each day you wake. There is a basic, unconscious part of you that drives you to get up from slumber. That part of you is your will to survive. Regardless of your pain, you awake. Do not under-estimate, ever, the power of that. You have survived the brunt of your family of origin dysfunction, and you survive your own.

Celebrate your victories, even in their smallest capacity. If all you have managed today is to shower- celebrate. Success in it's true form is not defined by expectation. It's what we DO that makes us successful. It is not defined by units in plentiful and abundance- it is sometimes defined by smaller measures, over time. That's how you grow.

So, today I made a 'right' choice. I made a few. I feel better for making small good choices, every day. I grow stronger internally, every day. I grow into my power, and use it wisely by being responsible with that choice. I acknowledged a few old behaviours too. Irrespective of right choice or wrong choice though- always remember- there's always more room for growth. That, in all of our soul journeys is something we have in common- our limitless capacity to grow.

The power of attraction

So, as of two months ago, my situation back in Godney broke open. It was no longer a wound coming to the surface, it became unbearable and from there- I have flown. I find myself in the middle of everything- by the coast, living each day as it comes, having not much of anything, but in the same breath living more life now than I have in ten plus years. In my whole youth even.
Today I am alone, in solitude. The windows are open, I can hear traffic and the smell of fresh fish and chips wafts in. If I listen above the music that's blasting out of here- I can hear sea gulls. On a quiet night I could probably hear the sea, being as I am only a stones throw from the prom. I feel troubled- by what seems to be happening inside of me. An emergence of psychic ability perhaps? A connection to another soul in some capacity I don't understand- except that the moment our eyes met across the bar there was a spark of something- attraction, like a magnet. A feeling, not of fluttering in the stomach, but like a deep, heady breath. And I felt awakening of something in that. An acknowledgement of my womanhood. I have not realized in my solitude- my nun-like status, the power of that kind of attraction.

And, as quickly as I began to work out how I felt- as quickly as my lack of confidence shook me to again move back to my place of safety- of not doing- he was gone. I felt a slight mourning at that- but something stranger began to happen. I knew and had a perception of why he had left. I knew and had a perception of his son's name. I knew and had a perception of the soft soul he is. I do not know this man. I have only seen his face and met his eyes. I have not spoken even a greeting. And yet already I know so much. I do not understand why I know this. I try to work out- is this a deeper connection to another- is this what it looks like when two unknown souls collide? When there is a deep knowing and in the ignorance of being strangers- that feeling is misplaced, given way to confusion- leading to more questions- metaphysics, or just rationality of coincidence?

Maybe I dreamed of him. The stranger I already know.

(Editted to add)
This situation ran it's course. In it's entirety it gave me a great depth of clarity and realization of how it is better to stay true to my own values and listen to my moral compass. It has given me a realization of the awakening of unconscious dyfunctional urges, however, it is merely a 'feeling' and I can give it little or more power- I choose to give it none.
I believe with my intuition, that my higher self was giving me protection. I believe she- or her identity in this life as an untouched me- she told me about this man. She told me about the situation. She told me, steer clear. I know in my confusion, my ego made pictures of acting out old wounds. Logic told though that I had very little information so I sat back, and sure enough, the situation played out with me staying quiet and not acting. Fireworks and dramatics from the other side, and thus told me plainly- I do not need to be involved in this.
I know how I have been brought up and I will also not be used as gossip fodder. I have awakened to be thrown out into this huge wide world where my abilities to be and do grow stronger every day. It is more important for me to gain in self-strength and focus. I acknowledge my shadow without the critic and thank it for the beautiful, striking views into my subconscious.

Listening- and asking.

It has been a reflective day. I have been listening to my ego today, it's talking points, it's justifications for defenses.... and I have also stumbled upon information that seems to be a pointing arrow at what I have already come to- breaking open. Feeling what I need to feel- feeling what the ego doesn't want to feel- but doing it anyway. Crying, hurting, being angry- doing it anyway and not covering it.
The most frightening part of that is the thought of 'not coping'- but in all honesty? Am I?
Is anyone? Or are they again just mechanisms of avoidance, denial? Ways of 'staying safe' in self-imposed sensory deprivation?
It's time to break out of the cocoon. I do not feel safe. I am being at the moment victimized by another's wrath- regarding my inability to provide service. I am being met with attack. I am being met with an enemy, and I have learned an iron, about face is a stronger defense.
I am also met with the dual need not just to be protect myself, but to be alone to feel, accept, and sit with the emerging openness. How can presence begin to prosper in noise, and brash narcissism? I take myself outside- and there is peace. I have been treated to the sight of blankets of starlings circling, resting together with almost deafening squalling, and then taking off again with flurries of beating wings. The sky has been full of fishbone clouds reaching across the horizon, a crescent moon sat high. A pair of ring-necked doves cooing and searching for a place to roost. So much beauty- I wish I could be with it all the time. I ask for peace and serenity, and for the Universe please to grant me a way through. I will get there to that place.

Finding my way home

It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining, it's warm and a very slight breeze is blowing in. It could be mistaken for an unusually hot spring day. The birds are singing, and I'm almost waiting for a butterfly to come sailing by. I forget it's too early in the year yet.
This morning has been a blessing in truths. It's plainer when it hits straight between the eyes. There comes a time when it stops being a blinding pain, or a cold, hard shock. There comes a time when that grim, sinking feeling is replaced by the true face of realization- acceptance. Strength, understanding, insight. These are positive emotions... and it is a sign that old behaviours and fear are thawing out- a herald of new. If one can sit with the unbecoming- the unravelling- then the Higher Self can begin to emerge from the shadow of ego. There will be many of these periods throughout life. There will be times when the ego shouts louder. There will be periods of helplessness, back-pedaling to old coping mechanisms to try and quell the fear of new. There will also be times when the student begins to catch on faster. These twilight times will start to diminish with the ability to let go. Growth may sit for a while, and with it, clarity and serenity will be more constant. The student can 'be'. New situations and learning opportunities will arise, and discipline will create further solidification of soul attributes. I am tested. And today I sit with it. I see the face of realization. I see my emotional strength returning to me. I thank the Universe. And I am going to bask in the sunshine, and know that whatever will be- I will be okay.

Out of the cocoon...

I haven't visited here in quite some time. Truth be known, I have felt somewhat bereft of my path- my love, light and truth. I have felt 'swallowed' by another- by the loudness of their own ego, by my own fear and helplessness leading me into dangerous territory- servitude. I never realized that I was so deeply afraid of being abandoned- as I have spent so many years- so much of my life alone, and with no one around me. I didn't think or acknowledge that there are two distinctions of that behaviour- those who act it out by seeking relationships, holding out and on like grim death- and those who act in by pushing all away through fear of feeling that pain. Alone is the insurance policy to stop those from getting in to cause such pain. Now of course I am in full swing of the acting out- I am owning this. I see it, I beat me up a little bit over it- because I know no reaction is better for me, for my own sanity. My ego has forever gotten me into verbal scrapes that I haven't wanted to be in, for the sake of stubbornness, triggers through voicelessness-
and here has finally come the impasse-
'DOES ANY OF THIS REALLY MATTER?'
And so I have reached the place of re-evaluation yet again. Which I have found in the state of stagnancy that feels like my constantly present roommate right now- to be a blessing. I have been verbally abused and treated the equivalent of a dirty dish cloth. But I see now, even in this feeling of fear- that I am not those things. I am okay. I have given more and above of what I can, and own the dysfunctional nature of giving all of me- that's mine. I have never learned not to, and I believe the path I am on now will start to set me free of that.
The Universe has been kind to me- in the sense that many small steps have been put into my path- suggestions that previously I would not have thought of (through unconsciously feeling helpless, most probably) or options opening up- or offers of actual help- that help me to get out and be free to do something that will give me strength. So, as it is right now- I feel I have been asked to re-visit. In as much as I feel a little sad to be 'right back at the beginning' I recognise I am not 'right back where I started'. I have tools, life experience, knowledge, and ability to self- nurture- and they can be used when I need them. If fear creates cognitive dissonance and I can't see my tools- I can ask. I can ask for help. I forget so much- keep so much inside of me, and stay down low- and it is because I am used to the feeling of hopelessness. Now things are changing. I remind myself- this humbling path that means I need to break open- also will give me the chance to live a blessed life- free of my fear. Fear is only great when it goes unacknowledged- and so this becomes the second part of my self-actualized journey- action.