Little resonances

Smiling at the irony of today. On first wake, I was on a mission, to start to create change. And upon arrival in town, everything started to go wrong. The office was closed, I couldn't do what I needed to do. I walked on to the store, laden with bags and the taxis are full. To go home, or not to go home, that seems to be the question- I might just sit a little while longer and while away the minutes I'm stuck here, just thinking and smiling. It might have all gone wrong but maybe today isn't the day for it. Maybe today is just for sitting and thinking. Or perhaps there's a little more to learn. I've been sidelined a little but it's a slightly pricey mistake. I've learned a little from it, that staying home and finding a way out there might work slightly better than setting out and wandering an aimless route, waiting for the cab home. Maybe, figuratively there is just too much baggage I'm still carrying. Maybe I ought to take care of myself a little more before I embark on the next leg of my journey. 

But I'm not to know. At this point I'm clueless. Maybe of instead, listening to the reasoning in my head, I ought to just start paying attention. 

The one thing I know now for sure is that when life talks, it speaks powerfully. Again, maybe it's best I hear what it has to say. 

And it speaks- 'No Excuses' was just playing and taking in the lyrics, this is me right now, and I've smiled for it. I love those little resonances. 

'It's okay/ had a bad day/ hands are bruised from breaking rocks all day

Every day something hits me out so cold/ finally sitting by myself/ no excuses that I know. 

This is what I wanted. And this has been my day, and I've seen wonderful things  in the kindness of strangers. It's a beautiful world out there, not just for the sunshine, or the flowers, or the natural world, but it's the beauty of people that make the world a colourful place. Just as its been important for me to remember that bad people exist, that bad deeds exist, there are still those willing to take minutes out of their day to help another. And how grateful I am for that. 

It's Over and how to begin...

There are pivotal moments in life which define, so they say. I've had very many, but so far they all get clustered up with the junk of my other memories. Maybe it's because as time rolls forward, everything integrates and things get less clear. I have a moment of clarity, I see everything. And for that moment I get a little bit of pure, beautiful peace.
And then as the saying goes 'This too shall pass.' I get unclear. Everything becomes murky, confused, diluted and milky like a viscosity of my emotions. I'd wish for clarity but in the end I have had to recognize that this is just another stage in my quest to know and unknow my history, and to grow.
Where I am now is a frightening place. I spent most of yesterday in fitful slumber, tired and lacking any energy. I was forced to face that things need to change because living like this- it's impossible. As much as my stubbornness has permitted me the being left alone like I want to be- in this place, it's not possible to live. Not possible to eat. Not possible to be able to get to where I need to be. Relying on my own two legs can only take me so far. Either way, I'm at the juncture which says, if I carry on like this there is a risk of hospitalization- its become that serious.
So the only alternative is to fly free. To try and put things in place. To wait a little longer, to survive a little better, and to know that when it finally comes round that I leave here to forge something new that I CAN handle the stresses and strains of starting over.
The consensus of this lesson has been to leave behind the naysayers. The people who have been quick to put down or judge, and have been self important in their tuppence worth about who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can make happen. Those people have never known me because they have been far too entrenched in what they believe, and have been forcing that judgement down my throat and spitefully trying to get me to fall in line with their 'this is who you are'.
I have survived them. I felt a great deal of anger this morning at those people, because it's wrong. And as much as I'm scared, I can't change them or adapt to their conditions anymore. But I can change the situation and therein lies my justice and truth.
It won't matter when I'm gone. Literally, and figuratively- as this part of me dies, and I leave this behind, I'll be better than what I was before. And because I've survived this- again- I will be so much more mindful of how I create my future and the people in it.
I made a promise a long time ago to a smaller, younger me.
I'm going to keep it, and it's the last time anyone will have any power to threaten my freedom, safety, and ability to live.

Wisdom of the dead and dying

Today's word is- Immersement. 

And while I have a quirky, funny image in my head of Big Bird announcing that statement- this is the theme of the day. I have been immersed since the very minute I woke. The rain has been pouring today and it's one of my quieter pleasures to hear it beat down on my roof, all the while thankful I am warm and indoors. This immersing has a clarity and structure in its intensity, a oxymoronic quality in that it is both sharp in pitch for the ability to listen, but soft in its musing that are brewing just in my conscious thinking. It feels like being exceptionally awake, but lucid dreaming in the insights that are rising to the surface. Music is more potent today because it's tuning differently in my ear, and I'm hearing beautiful qualities that are matching in inspiration. I've been inspired to write, to think, and just revel in the sleepiness of today. Everything feels like its tinged with a poetic transcript, and I feel a gathering together of my understanding. 

Buddhist thinking is that it is good to meditate on death, and this has been the theme of this morning, of how literal death and less tangible forms of death is a recurrent process of integration. Just like decay becomes part of the earth, each transitional situation and memory becomes part of the collective growing consciousness, forming again in the body as aging, maturing, growing new viewpoints- the point where memory stops becoming an image and starts to become an experience. Where it changes in its sentimental value, whether good nor bad, to instead what knowledge it creates. Just as there is a physical body, there is an emotional body. Both can be touched, and both have their varying degrees of growth, one slower than the other, as I have seen it seems to be an inherent human quality that we neglect our own emotional care on a deeper level than we take care of our physical health. Time seems so slow going or like it doesn't exist at times in the process of this dying, because it's a constant. Everything births, fruits and dies. And I'm thinking today of what my best friend told me last week- 

'Sometimes the old has to go so you can have the new.' 

There is so much old because the situation has been the same for a very long time. It stands to reason that much of that will need to leave. It's all dying. These connections that I have had with people- some fleeting, some that have been years in the making- and it's hurt to see them go but on knowing the value of where I am walking to, they need to change or leave. I'm growing in such a major way, it feels like I am an emotional fetal entity, growing vital organs- my lungs and liver are forming, my heart is fully formed, my brain is rewiring, and my spine is still nascent. And for me to naturate in the most nurturing way is for me to first understand that the old associations are stagnant and reminiscent of an unhealthy way of being, having no assertion, being kept down and letting me get put down to the point of not wanting to exist. Being a lesser human being. And I am not one of those and now I know I never have been. So much is growing, and most of that is a strength to forge something new with the state I am now. Less swayed. Less willing to accept those old behaviors. 

So it's all dying but with it is this beautiful scene of what is growing inside of me, new perspectives and something to take into the future. Death is as influential to what's ahead. And I'm immersed in that concept today. Thank you for those associations and that ability to listen. 

Burning bright

I've found myself feeling quite reflective lately, about which course my life has taken. And how, in such a short amount of time I've thrown everything to the wind and learned, and lost everything. The most powerful thing that exists in that knowledge-

I didn't lose myself. 

In actual fact, I found myself, in living more of my existence outwardly and gaining experience through the catastrophic effect that being out in the world gave me- in turning my inner world and my inner life upside down and literally inside out. I was forced to fall in step with the circumstances. And as much as I built, and I gained- it was not meant to be. What I had was a lot of naïveté, in which I believed the world could be good and it was important to seek it out. But what I know now is rather, letting people show what they really are, and deciding on that knowledge whether or not they stand with you in your heart. I lost a lot of what I thought was real and good, in terms of new bonds- but I also see- its given me a great deal. I'm alone. I live in the confines of a place that I am not respected, or loved. My life has been littered of more of the same. I have been alone for very much of my life, and as much as this might sound as if I am feeling sorry for myself- I don't. I'm thankful for it. Because its taught me exactly how much strength I have. It's taught me to grow. It's taught me knowledge. It's given me room to uncover things that I had left in the sediment of my subconscious. I was born to walk this way alone, to get whole.

I feel hope still, I'm alive. I know if I can get through what I have already, the hell of the past, the uncovering, the reformation of the splinters and fractures of the things I need to see and acknowledge, if I can live through the circumstances of recent too, and go it alone- then I'm strong enough to hold together and pull through this- and live free. And fill my life with all that I wish.
That's the future. But what I see now, and what I'm grateful for- is the beauty of this picture. I'm alive and I lived. And this has been difficult and as many as the days are that I could recount over again on my fingers and toes of the scorn and disdain and outright displeasure at living in my skin and depression at being stuck at cognitive dissonance of what the world thinks, what the general consensus is, the opinion and the loudness of those inhabitating the same space-
I'm under here somewhere. 
I'm full of thanks, love, inspiration, wonder, warmth and light. I feel it. My soul burning in me. Maybe I'll always be one layer on top with pain and distraction, but in the increments I see beyond my human mantle. I'm alive. I'm burning bright. And I always will, as broken as I might feel.

Change and new orientation and other blessings

I feel lately some changes stirring in me. Right now I'm sat outside and it's the most beautiful day. All I can hear inside the house is relentless footsteps... I see she's task orientated again, as per usual. And that's the thing that has changed for me. As much as my gut feels a little knotted to be in close proximity with her right now, the changes have reached a high point in the fact that I no longer want to chase after her coattails. Before I felt like I 'had to' run myself ragged after her. I had to throw everything, every minute of the day into helping her. One of the most painful memories I had leaving here was the complete lack of respect she had for me, the disdain- and then even more painful was realizing it had left me with some pretty severe conditioned emotional responses. Through some work which sadly I never finished at CODA- I realized that I was trying to 'fix' it- and I was so fearful of the angry response I would get that I bowed and relented constantly. I had no boundaries.

Now, just for the seven months of leaving and forging my own time- I felt at peace with being able to imagine possibilities with my day- the things I could do, if I would choose to do those things alone or to be around people. I discovered fun. I discovered beautiful things- and freedom. Which- coming back here, I mourned because I was sure- that's it. It's over. My life is over. I'm back at living in servitude.
But I didn't bank on how that time on my own had fundamentally changed me. All of a sudden I've been restless. Before it would have been 'enough' even though I was slowly losing the will to live. But now I WANT to live. For myself. And while I can hear the footsteps inside, the swearing, the guilt tripping and manipulation 'I'll do it myself then, I always do.' I'm refusing it. I had felt like it was a bad thing to do nothing. That it was frivolous to want to go out and spend time around people. Because that was what I was made to feel- that it's important to be of service. Now I see it's not. My best friend joked and called me Cinderella the other day, and it's finally a relief to see that other people see too- that this way of living is wrong. So over the weeks I've started to very little by little- get out. On my own. I've been to the pub and spoken to people and to my surprise realized that I am not as socially inept as I've always been told I have been, and always felt I was. I do have people that care about me in my life now, that value me. As much as they are few, the whole experience of being 'out' of that tiny sliver of pie that was my life has shown me that it's the best thing to aspire. Not just for success but to ask the question- how do I WANT to live?
It's been so important for me to live how other people- these people in my past- wanted me to live. They wanted me to be nothing. They wanted me to be their beating board, they felt comfortable and entitled to sound off at me, blame me, project on to me, and abuse. And I was miserable. And now it's done because I can feel the peace now in just pleasing myself. Just being okay with deciding that 'enough is enough' and that I can be okay with relaxing. And if she in particular wants to stress, and run around and not take herself into consideration- its not my problem. I'd felt like that was selfish before, but now I understand how guilt ridden I was. Truth be told I felt guilt ridden for merely existing. This is why- I've held the bonds of dysfunction and let them beat me down, and then just by my admission that it must be my fault- rather than accepting it is their own behaviour- I've been saying 'more please' to more punishment.
And now- I see that it's equally important to let people own their own behaviour. The saying- 'you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.' is ringing in my ears.
I have changed. As much as I am not massively comfortable with the anger and now response that comes with seeing, noticing and accepting that I have been treated disrespectfully, badly and wrongly- I at least now know positively that I am coming somewhere near my own. Because now I'm important. And this assertion feels like its been waiting for me a very long time.

Gifts in unexpected forms...

There are times when I feel truly alone with myself and times that it eats at me. I've asked for help a lot over the past few days and my goodness... Has the Universe made its presence felt! And often times today in the most hilarious metaphors and just a new sense of something stronger entering my life.
I walked today again, even though I ache to my bones for it, it was needed. Over the past couple of days I've been left to my own devices and to take care of myself. It almost didn't end well, or so I thought until it just proved to be a lesson. A lesson in which I understand something now.
I had a late breakfast with a sandwich shared with the pup and an energy drink and cigarette, staring at the most beautiful view- scrub and fields and the Tor and dappled clouds, the cold wind whipping at me, singing along with Pearl Jam's  'Elderly Woman Behind The Counter'. And I was so appreciative of all of it. Because this is it- I can look after myself. My question has been over the past few days- why? Why have people felt it okay to try and oppress me? And if everyone thinks I am such a nothing-- am I ever going to be able shake that- to live independently as I crave? But the answer given was different to me was different. The answer given was- this situation where I took care of me. Where I saw again- I can do it. I have will.
And I have choice where that will goes. Do I have to be quiet and be of service- no. I'm choosing to do so when I do. All part and parcel of my people pleasing past.
I can also choose to do for me. I'm strong enough to. I see that now. In fact, the possibilities are endless.
That's what I felt walking back. To be met with an apology, which was a massive shock. Things are changing. I'm changing. The scapegoat will not exist anymore.
My question was answered. These people who oppress- who think they can control... They only matter as much in the power we give them.
The greater message to me today was- 'does it really matter?' look, I can smile quietly and step past it and I can manifest my own path.
I don't have very much, and not a great deal of love. A few but far absent. I love them always but this life will get full again. But in this alone today, I have felt the presence of love and power and thank it greatly for the synchronicities.
And for one last image- my hat was pulled low to shelter me from the wind. Walking down the main road, I was carefully trying to navigate me and the pup through the mud and hit a road sign, full in the forehead. I shook off the embarrassment and giggled... Common sense to make sure I can see above the brim but also- that I need to open my eyes (mentally and physically) to see the signs. :)

A slap in face with the wet fish of reality...

My left hand won't stop shaking and I'm feeling rather overwhelming empty and yet full of tiredness, emotion and mostly just in shock. That might explain the numbness.

Today has been a bad day. I walked through the supermarket this morning in a daze and feeling like my head had just been clouted by something. In a few ways it has. As I'm wandering around the produce staring at the apples and fruit and feeling the sense of drain and slight hunger, the familiar sound of that song. Ironic.

It's like rain on your wedding day,
It's a free ride, when you've already paid,
It's some good advice that you just didn't take
And who would have thought it figures...

Life has a funny way
of sneaking up on you
When everything's okay
And everything blows up
In your face...

And I might have found that funny for the stark truth that appears here, a short sharp shock that began with a rather literal rude awakening this morning. Everything has blown up in my face and it's an irony I'm looking at the synchronicities and thinking that someone has a really redundant sense of humour up there.
Maybe it's because I'm feeling a little fragile and a little like a joke myself. Maybe it's because I'm again at that place where I'm saying 'what the hell do I do now?' and am I- all alone???

I was thinking in the car, I don't have myself. I never have. The fundamental blocks of my life have been missing because I have zero self reliance. I have no self belief. I've tried and so far, I've failed. And those people knew it... And they treated me like some joke for it. 'oh she'll be back. She can't cope on her own.'
It's why I didn't go back for so long. I struggled and didn't eat and strove relentlessly to try and make it. Because I didn't want them to be right. I didn't want to be a joke.
They've scoffed and laughed at me behind my back, and I've let them and they've taken advantage of me, and I let them. But this scapegoat is dead.
I've heard every creatively negative, hurtful word that can be thrown my way today. And one thing rings true---
Do people who love treat and talk to others this way?

The answer is no. I'm not loved here. I left in the first place because all that existed was control and i felt completely dehumanized, and it certainly wasn't me that had any kind of life. I was scared coming back here, knowing the same might happen again and it has. Except this time the scapegoat is dead.
I know the words aren't true, they are just nasty words to try and hook me.
I know this has no basis in reality. I know I must be worth more, as a person.
Because for so long I have felt like a 'thing'... An object, nothing. And it has eaten at me to the point where I have almost felt like my life being that meaningless, what was the point in living it? But something got me through and that was- I'm not a thing.
I'm a person. I'm a woman. I'm a 5'5, 9 st, 28 year old female with grey blue eyes and dark hair. I'm corporeal. I'm intelligent, beyond low self esteem which has always been an issue, I have had achievements in my life which mean that I have a brain. I can think. I can study. I can do most of what the next person does. And I have a soul. I have a path to follow.
And thinking tonight I have seen it all come together a little more clear. I'm awake to it and that is these PEOPLE have told me and treated me as I am nothing. For their own moral stance or whatever reason they saw fit to do so. Because I am an easy target because I have never stood on my own.
And it started with him. And it ends with them.
Because this scapegoat is dead and because I will no longer submit to being dehumanized, and being treated as a joke.
Because I'm not one, I never was.
I'm Kyra. And I'm trying to get free.