The power of attraction

So, as of two months ago, my situation back in Godney broke open. It was no longer a wound coming to the surface, it became unbearable and from there- I have flown. I find myself in the middle of everything- by the coast, living each day as it comes, having not much of anything, but in the same breath living more life now than I have in ten plus years. In my whole youth even.
Today I am alone, in solitude. The windows are open, I can hear traffic and the smell of fresh fish and chips wafts in. If I listen above the music that's blasting out of here- I can hear sea gulls. On a quiet night I could probably hear the sea, being as I am only a stones throw from the prom. I feel troubled- by what seems to be happening inside of me. An emergence of psychic ability perhaps? A connection to another soul in some capacity I don't understand- except that the moment our eyes met across the bar there was a spark of something- attraction, like a magnet. A feeling, not of fluttering in the stomach, but like a deep, heady breath. And I felt awakening of something in that. An acknowledgement of my womanhood. I have not realized in my solitude- my nun-like status, the power of that kind of attraction.

And, as quickly as I began to work out how I felt- as quickly as my lack of confidence shook me to again move back to my place of safety- of not doing- he was gone. I felt a slight mourning at that- but something stranger began to happen. I knew and had a perception of why he had left. I knew and had a perception of his son's name. I knew and had a perception of the soft soul he is. I do not know this man. I have only seen his face and met his eyes. I have not spoken even a greeting. And yet already I know so much. I do not understand why I know this. I try to work out- is this a deeper connection to another- is this what it looks like when two unknown souls collide? When there is a deep knowing and in the ignorance of being strangers- that feeling is misplaced, given way to confusion- leading to more questions- metaphysics, or just rationality of coincidence?

Maybe I dreamed of him. The stranger I already know.

(Editted to add)
This situation ran it's course. In it's entirety it gave me a great depth of clarity and realization of how it is better to stay true to my own values and listen to my moral compass. It has given me a realization of the awakening of unconscious dyfunctional urges, however, it is merely a 'feeling' and I can give it little or more power- I choose to give it none.
I believe with my intuition, that my higher self was giving me protection. I believe she- or her identity in this life as an untouched me- she told me about this man. She told me about the situation. She told me, steer clear. I know in my confusion, my ego made pictures of acting out old wounds. Logic told though that I had very little information so I sat back, and sure enough, the situation played out with me staying quiet and not acting. Fireworks and dramatics from the other side, and thus told me plainly- I do not need to be involved in this.
I know how I have been brought up and I will also not be used as gossip fodder. I have awakened to be thrown out into this huge wide world where my abilities to be and do grow stronger every day. It is more important for me to gain in self-strength and focus. I acknowledge my shadow without the critic and thank it for the beautiful, striking views into my subconscious.

Listening- and asking.

It has been a reflective day. I have been listening to my ego today, it's talking points, it's justifications for defenses.... and I have also stumbled upon information that seems to be a pointing arrow at what I have already come to- breaking open. Feeling what I need to feel- feeling what the ego doesn't want to feel- but doing it anyway. Crying, hurting, being angry- doing it anyway and not covering it.
The most frightening part of that is the thought of 'not coping'- but in all honesty? Am I?
Is anyone? Or are they again just mechanisms of avoidance, denial? Ways of 'staying safe' in self-imposed sensory deprivation?
It's time to break out of the cocoon. I do not feel safe. I am being at the moment victimized by another's wrath- regarding my inability to provide service. I am being met with attack. I am being met with an enemy, and I have learned an iron, about face is a stronger defense.
I am also met with the dual need not just to be protect myself, but to be alone to feel, accept, and sit with the emerging openness. How can presence begin to prosper in noise, and brash narcissism? I take myself outside- and there is peace. I have been treated to the sight of blankets of starlings circling, resting together with almost deafening squalling, and then taking off again with flurries of beating wings. The sky has been full of fishbone clouds reaching across the horizon, a crescent moon sat high. A pair of ring-necked doves cooing and searching for a place to roost. So much beauty- I wish I could be with it all the time. I ask for peace and serenity, and for the Universe please to grant me a way through. I will get there to that place.

Finding my way home

It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining, it's warm and a very slight breeze is blowing in. It could be mistaken for an unusually hot spring day. The birds are singing, and I'm almost waiting for a butterfly to come sailing by. I forget it's too early in the year yet.
This morning has been a blessing in truths. It's plainer when it hits straight between the eyes. There comes a time when it stops being a blinding pain, or a cold, hard shock. There comes a time when that grim, sinking feeling is replaced by the true face of realization- acceptance. Strength, understanding, insight. These are positive emotions... and it is a sign that old behaviours and fear are thawing out- a herald of new. If one can sit with the unbecoming- the unravelling- then the Higher Self can begin to emerge from the shadow of ego. There will be many of these periods throughout life. There will be times when the ego shouts louder. There will be periods of helplessness, back-pedaling to old coping mechanisms to try and quell the fear of new. There will also be times when the student begins to catch on faster. These twilight times will start to diminish with the ability to let go. Growth may sit for a while, and with it, clarity and serenity will be more constant. The student can 'be'. New situations and learning opportunities will arise, and discipline will create further solidification of soul attributes. I am tested. And today I sit with it. I see the face of realization. I see my emotional strength returning to me. I thank the Universe. And I am going to bask in the sunshine, and know that whatever will be- I will be okay.

Out of the cocoon...

I haven't visited here in quite some time. Truth be known, I have felt somewhat bereft of my path- my love, light and truth. I have felt 'swallowed' by another- by the loudness of their own ego, by my own fear and helplessness leading me into dangerous territory- servitude. I never realized that I was so deeply afraid of being abandoned- as I have spent so many years- so much of my life alone, and with no one around me. I didn't think or acknowledge that there are two distinctions of that behaviour- those who act it out by seeking relationships, holding out and on like grim death- and those who act in by pushing all away through fear of feeling that pain. Alone is the insurance policy to stop those from getting in to cause such pain. Now of course I am in full swing of the acting out- I am owning this. I see it, I beat me up a little bit over it- because I know no reaction is better for me, for my own sanity. My ego has forever gotten me into verbal scrapes that I haven't wanted to be in, for the sake of stubbornness, triggers through voicelessness-
and here has finally come the impasse-
'DOES ANY OF THIS REALLY MATTER?'
And so I have reached the place of re-evaluation yet again. Which I have found in the state of stagnancy that feels like my constantly present roommate right now- to be a blessing. I have been verbally abused and treated the equivalent of a dirty dish cloth. But I see now, even in this feeling of fear- that I am not those things. I am okay. I have given more and above of what I can, and own the dysfunctional nature of giving all of me- that's mine. I have never learned not to, and I believe the path I am on now will start to set me free of that.
The Universe has been kind to me- in the sense that many small steps have been put into my path- suggestions that previously I would not have thought of (through unconsciously feeling helpless, most probably) or options opening up- or offers of actual help- that help me to get out and be free to do something that will give me strength. So, as it is right now- I feel I have been asked to re-visit. In as much as I feel a little sad to be 'right back at the beginning' I recognise I am not 'right back where I started'. I have tools, life experience, knowledge, and ability to self- nurture- and they can be used when I need them. If fear creates cognitive dissonance and I can't see my tools- I can ask. I can ask for help. I forget so much- keep so much inside of me, and stay down low- and it is because I am used to the feeling of hopelessness. Now things are changing. I remind myself- this humbling path that means I need to break open- also will give me the chance to live a blessed life- free of my fear. Fear is only great when it goes unacknowledged- and so this becomes the second part of my self-actualized journey- action.

And the path finds me again...

This morning I walked, and found myself talking to the Universe. I found myself digesting my fears, and trying to make sense of what I have integrated into my Self over the past few weeks. What I did not know in my self-imposed punishment and aloneness, is that Synchronicity has been with me, and working hard with me. I feel it, I know it, and I had more proof of it today, of it's precious beauty. The Universe is the parent, who at times can teach hard lessons, stirs me on, and tells me, with great compassion, that I will make it through. The Universe has watched my earthly journey from the minute of birth. It has seen me grow, it has seen the pitfalls, and it knew me before I came back here to this place, this earth. It knows the inner depths of me, the light that my ego fails to recognise, that gets swallowed by conflict and inner struggle, but the Universe always sees my light. It wants me to know it. It wants me to feel it, be it, and recognise it, own it. Know that it is mine, and that my light can lead me better than my ego or defence mechanisms into clarity, serenity, beauty, joy and peace. I listen, when the Universe calls to me. Today it spoke again, and my beautiful Blue's have again shown themselves to me. I have been waiting patiently, with some sadness through winter to witness those rays of hope, the beauty of them, and waiting for the reconnection to establish itself again. I was talking to the Universe today and I talked of how I have been able to trust my discernment, because it sent along a test for me, in which I was able to know in literal minutes that the person I was faced with was predatory. The Universe was telling my scared, vulnerable child that I CAN protect myself, by using my discernment. I am no longer afraid. It showed me. I just have to integrate a better reaction next time, to walk away gracefully, and quietly. Without any wrangles with vulnerability, without any need to pull into power-play games of my ego (the illusory 'need' to find 'closure' from something else). I understand the delicate balance of emotionality and this healing journey now, because I understand that no matter what, I will be okay. That some part of me, inside of me, that has been trying to gently nudge me 'awake' for so long- is already okay. Is already bright, already calm, and serene, and has a greater understanding and wisdom than my young ego will ever comprehend. And more Blues appeared. And I found myself almost crying from gratitude. I am on the right path again. I am partly afraid yes. My throat still fails me when it is time to speak up and be strong- yes. But, I am okay, I am finding myself, and I will break free of the shackles of my fears. They have lost the spell over me. I am strong. And thank you, little Common Blue for showing me that today.

Returning to the quiet place.

I'm back from the emotional twilight I have been in. I find myself today feeling quite relieved and praising the Universe because I feel exorcised of all of the immense anxiety I have been feeling of late. The anxiety being, that I 'must' and 'should' and directly again tying to the false construct of core beliefs of inferiority. I have felt left behind, abandoned and forced by my own inner constrictions to 'do' something other than what my path brings me to, indulging in feeling helpless, indulging in feeling sorry for myself in my own seeming inability to make the choice that needs to be made for my own Self.
The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what caused a dramatic shift from this morning, with some prevalent shakiness and tears, to this afternoon, with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, balance, and quietness. I feel like something has lifted off from my shoulders, and I feel more like 'me' again, because finally, I have regained my peace. I had a challenge, instead of taking on more college work and the diploma this year, to finding a placement at a refuge and having the experience and confidence, so that when I am ready, once the course begins again next September, I can already have a better chance of a trainee placement. Although I was and am happy with this proposition, I was disappointed and tearful that this meant, yet again, that I would have to take another year out of college. But as my tutor pointed out, he knows that I am dedicated to what I want and need to do, and that I will not give up. He's right.
That conversation left me with a feeling of 'what do I do now?' but thinking on it, something stirred within me. I know, that he has my best interests at heart, he wants to see me succeed, he wants me to be good at what I do, and he wants me to do this with making sure *I* am okay too. That's care, and I understand that. And with that gift, I know I need to extend that care to myself as it is imperative that I self-care and do not burn out. THAT is what will enable me to be good at what I do. Being good to myself, letting go of expectations, rigidity, and forced, self-induced silence. To let go of self-abuse, under the guise of 'being strong, I have to do this on my own', and to let go of criticism. To be able to gage where I am ready to go, where instead of barking 'shut up!' to my inner fears, to instead be quiet and reassure them that it is okay- to be self-compassionate, this is where it starts, being good at what I do.
And I think I finally know what strayed me off the path. I felt, for a while so alienated, so lonely and cut off, and became hardened out of fear. What I worried about was losing my capacity to care. What I realized is- I never forgot. I never could, never can. It isn't about rescuing, it isn't about obligation- it's about understanding. It's about being present. It's about feeling. It's about seeing, in the quiet, the internal witness as who I really am. It's about SELF CARE. I got lost in a whirlwind of cognitive dissonance, in my moment of panic, of pain, of extreme fear of everyone and everything- that to love another, one must first extend it to oneself. I forgot what it was to be self-compassionate. And now, I am at peace. Now, I understand. And now, I know in my quietness, beyond all doubt that I am okay, and I will be okay.

My emerging Self.

I love those moments. Those moments that one has where even though sometimes there may be a feeling of sadness or conflict that can accompany it- there is a love of all. I came out in the freezing cold today, and a young sapling that had not shed it's autumn leaves was rattling quietly in the wind. Even over the din of the traffic and my Ipod I heard it, and for a little while I was struck with stillness. When I see, when I hear, when my focus is as The Watcher, and not listening to the running commentary of my internal dialogue, I feel the beauty in all. I could even listen, for a little while, as the quietness start to dissipate and be replaced by the bustle of my ego, processing my session today. And for a little while, I saw with compassion.
Today I cried. And today I was given a gift that finally, can let my fear and irrationality over 'who I am' lay to rest. I was told- 'If you were unconscious, irrational, need/animalistic driven- it would already have emerged in your personality by now. It would have been a repetitive pattern. One cannot have a mask on ALL the time, for the whole of their lives. It always drops.'
Finally... I have been so afraid of my darkest corners, and today- I saw. Of course, there are things that I do not particularly wish to have as part of me- but they are faults (works in progress) that I can live with. They are faults I can be compassionate with. And possibly my fear goes a little way back from that, and maybe part of myself has been really quite frightened that when I 'see' what that part is- that it will be alienated, despised, and hurt. And maybe that goes straight back to core belief territory- a little whisper of a stirring of 'Bad'.
It feels like the cobwebs have been blown away. I see who I am, and I see the scales swaying. I see, a young ego who still tries so hard to identify with the story of who I am, who is afraid, insecure, and at times, feels inferior. And I feel compassion. And in my stillness, I sense my Watcher energy. I sense timelessness, wisdom, and gentleness, patience, love, and beauty. It is no longer a quality who my defence mechanisms believe it needs to be protected at all costs because it is this precious vulnerable thing. Instead I see it for what it is. Strong, able to stand, walk and be alone. Able to Be. And finally, for those still moments where I can relinquish my chains of thought, I can breathe for Being. It is becoming stronger, and more defined.
Today I found a truth, and today I found a piece of me. Today I witnessed my emerging Self.