That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Saturday, 16 October 2010
The disenchantment of 'expectation'
I have heard, the whole of my life other people's definition of 'expectation', namely expectation of me. I realize now how flawed that definition really was. That definition was purely for me to follow script and 'be' what they believed modelled what they wanted- 'good daughter' meant keep quiet, shut my mouth, don't complain and do as I was told. Be controlled, and be always nothing more than a mere shadow.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.
Monday, 4 October 2010
Inner Disciplines
*Consistency and constant determined yet gentle pressure is the key to success with replacing the internal dialogue. Practice your Inner Disciplines.
*Remember that no matter how dark the cloud, it is merely the illusion of internal messages and thoughts. It will pass, and you do have power to change it.
*Try to view failure and 'bad days' where ego is prevalent in it's loudness, as an opportunity for GROWTH, to test your ability to harness and re-direct your feelings.
*Ask yourself- what is the worst that is going to happen to me if I fail?
The answer is- nothing. You are not going to lose your life, the world isn't going to collapse. The worst that can happen with failure is not getting back up and trying again, in which case, failure becomes perpetual.
*Use failure as a gage for your Self-trust. Do you trust yourself enough to try again?
*Use failure as an opportunity to look at your internal dialogue and listen to what/who is talking. Is it your inner critic? Is it telling you how terrible you are- always failing? If so, look beyond critic (critic is the surface mouth piece- in the 'attack' you will find your vulnerabilities, your worries- which is your inner child)
*Use self-compassion. If you suffer from self-hatred begin to use scenario's every day of how you would talk to a very small child who cried and was upset. Would you scream and yell and swear at her? Begin to treat your own Self as gently as you would treat the child in this scenario.
*Be mindful. When you can, practice mindfulness to escape your thoughts and ego and you will see things as they truly are. You will see beauty, and you will be happy.
*Understand, remind yourself at every turn when you begin to feel powerless- I HAVE A CHOICE. Just because, at one time in your life, someone tried to destroy your belief in your choice, tried to make you believe you didn't have one, doesn't make it true.
Listen beyond the surface and realize that this isn't cognitive dissonance at play- this 'powerlessness' is deep vulnerability- fear. Remind yourself that you can protect you, and no matter what happens, you will be okay.
*Be the best parent you can be to your Self. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a role model, or good frame work from your own childhood. Intuitively you will know, because regardless of even what you feel, you already know what love is, what is right and what is wrong. You already know gentleness, you already know what to do.
*accept your stumbles. Don't be prey to hating. Smile about them later because you will see growth.
* Understand that imperfection is the very opening to your soul journey. How could you grow if you were perfect?
*Be relentless. Once you trust your feet (resilience) find your direction and stay the path. You KNOW you can do it.
*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to make you happy.
*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to define your worth. Put away your measuring stick!
*Instability is not neurosis if it is coupled with awareness- it is a stage between transition, and it will balance out. Be aware, and you will tackle it.
* be brave and reach past the places that would deny you your true beauty. Know that negative labels are just things to be conquered, not things that define you.
*Be truthful to yourself. Always and forever more.
*Realise what is other people's drama's and insecurities and what is yours, and do not take on what they should be owning. Walking away and denying the fight does not make you weak.
Bear in mind that it can take more strength to walk away. Warriors refuse to give their power away.
* Do not take on what is not yours.
*Be patient. Patience is not something we are born with, but something we acquire along some of the most adverse situations of our lives. Things happen in their own time, in their natural course. Being mad or upset isn't going to make things go faster.
*Surrender. Choose, discern what is worth keeping within your heart- what is a valuable teacher- and let go of the things that fester and make you feel soul sick.
Surrender situations, people, things, thoughts and feelings about people, situations and things- don't be afraid to be alone with nothing and nobody because you were there once and YOU made it. You can make it again. Surrender for your soul health and know that when you let go and trust what is beyond you, you are rewarded richly.
* Love you first and you will always know what real love is.
*Remember that no matter how dark the cloud, it is merely the illusion of internal messages and thoughts. It will pass, and you do have power to change it.
*Try to view failure and 'bad days' where ego is prevalent in it's loudness, as an opportunity for GROWTH, to test your ability to harness and re-direct your feelings.
*Ask yourself- what is the worst that is going to happen to me if I fail?
The answer is- nothing. You are not going to lose your life, the world isn't going to collapse. The worst that can happen with failure is not getting back up and trying again, in which case, failure becomes perpetual.
*Use failure as a gage for your Self-trust. Do you trust yourself enough to try again?
*Use failure as an opportunity to look at your internal dialogue and listen to what/who is talking. Is it your inner critic? Is it telling you how terrible you are- always failing? If so, look beyond critic (critic is the surface mouth piece- in the 'attack' you will find your vulnerabilities, your worries- which is your inner child)
*Use self-compassion. If you suffer from self-hatred begin to use scenario's every day of how you would talk to a very small child who cried and was upset. Would you scream and yell and swear at her? Begin to treat your own Self as gently as you would treat the child in this scenario.
*Be mindful. When you can, practice mindfulness to escape your thoughts and ego and you will see things as they truly are. You will see beauty, and you will be happy.
*Understand, remind yourself at every turn when you begin to feel powerless- I HAVE A CHOICE. Just because, at one time in your life, someone tried to destroy your belief in your choice, tried to make you believe you didn't have one, doesn't make it true.
Listen beyond the surface and realize that this isn't cognitive dissonance at play- this 'powerlessness' is deep vulnerability- fear. Remind yourself that you can protect you, and no matter what happens, you will be okay.
*Be the best parent you can be to your Self. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a role model, or good frame work from your own childhood. Intuitively you will know, because regardless of even what you feel, you already know what love is, what is right and what is wrong. You already know gentleness, you already know what to do.
*accept your stumbles. Don't be prey to hating. Smile about them later because you will see growth.
* Understand that imperfection is the very opening to your soul journey. How could you grow if you were perfect?
*Be relentless. Once you trust your feet (resilience) find your direction and stay the path. You KNOW you can do it.
*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to make you happy.
*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to define your worth. Put away your measuring stick!
*Instability is not neurosis if it is coupled with awareness- it is a stage between transition, and it will balance out. Be aware, and you will tackle it.
* be brave and reach past the places that would deny you your true beauty. Know that negative labels are just things to be conquered, not things that define you.
*Be truthful to yourself. Always and forever more.
*Realise what is other people's drama's and insecurities and what is yours, and do not take on what they should be owning. Walking away and denying the fight does not make you weak.
Bear in mind that it can take more strength to walk away. Warriors refuse to give their power away.
* Do not take on what is not yours.
*Be patient. Patience is not something we are born with, but something we acquire along some of the most adverse situations of our lives. Things happen in their own time, in their natural course. Being mad or upset isn't going to make things go faster.
*Surrender. Choose, discern what is worth keeping within your heart- what is a valuable teacher- and let go of the things that fester and make you feel soul sick.
Surrender situations, people, things, thoughts and feelings about people, situations and things- don't be afraid to be alone with nothing and nobody because you were there once and YOU made it. You can make it again. Surrender for your soul health and know that when you let go and trust what is beyond you, you are rewarded richly.
* Love you first and you will always know what real love is.
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wisdom, internal dialogue and exponential growth.
This came to me today, and I'm not sure who quoted it, or whether it's another Higher inspiration-
Wisdom is not forged in the footprint of one, rather in the footprints of the many.
I understand that as wisdom is more of an instruction, as many have and are walking the same paths, gleaned the same truths that have helped them to feel inner peace, tranquillity and love.
It made me think, separately, about hindsight. When we are in the throes of change, of upheaval, when we are in pain- we do not see because the emotion can become far more powerful at the time, and it can feel all consuming. Hindsight is looking back with enough time and seeing the lesson, seeing what really is. Because it is 'safe' to turn around and look because the emotions have worked themselves out, or they have become less extreme with time. The beauty of hindsight is the older soul who looks back. Because the growth that we make between the time of each transition to the point of hindsight is quite astonishing.
From my experience now though... I feel emotion is as important as the lessons. With all of the ego work I have been doing, I notice the 'freak out' with my ego. I notice how over time, the frequency changes. I think that the emotional grieving stage, the fear is important because we can really learn our own discipline to minimize it's effect. I wrote a while back that the key to the Inner Child feeling safe is consistency. Consistently knowing that you're okay DESPITE every freak out will eventually lead to trust and quietness because the Inner Child will know you can handle it. That strength is key to good parenting of the Self. I still freak out a little bit but know that in a few days I will be okay, when I have processed a little more.
Harnessing the emotional self is a hard task, but I believe the end result, when the emotions finally dissipate into understanding, and patience and knowing that it is safe- that the ego is then transformed into an Aware Ego. Aware ego is the experience of the lesson, our internal five senses- and if we can learn to let go of our own 'judging' and 'labelling' ourselves and experiences- stop applying the fear of extreme emotionality to difficult situations and instead just trust our bravery and survival instinct then we are better equipped at being 'outside' of us. Better equipped to see things as they really are, and see us for what we really are. And see just how magnificent we can be when we move past fear and surrender it.
I have also noticed the change in internal dialogue with self work. It's actually quite spectacular. Today, I had to smile at what I heard.
I was walking and I had some inner inspiration, and felt Ego start to preen. Another voice, we'll call almost-aware, and Higher Self stepped in. Here's the conversation-
Ego:Wow, we're smart!
Almost-aware: Higher Self doesn't preen about her wisdom. Higher Self doesn't need recognition for it.
Ego: yeah, yeah... and I guess Higher Self is going to tell me I know nothing. *Pout*
Higher Self: (with a knowing smile) You are young. You will learn.
I can see and label quite clearly now the separate voices from a Voice Dialogue Perspective- Ego is Inner Child (vulnerable, needy), Almost-aware is Protector/Controller (which is becoming more aware of the child energy and more aware of Higher Selves messages and ideals- which is AWESOME) and Higher Self is my elevated Consciousness. My protector controller is understanding and accepting of the process of becoming aware, as in part is my Ego- but not quite there yet. At least there is a bridge to that gap now, which has taken some time, but is creating a great amount of peace within me, a great amount of understanding.
'You are young. You will learn'- perfect example of a wonderfully optimistic and non-judgemental energy with great patience. I aspire to use this message to parent my Ego better. It's a solid truth. Those are the kind of truths that make all of the survival and resilience worth it.
Wisdom is not forged in the footprint of one, rather in the footprints of the many.
I understand that as wisdom is more of an instruction, as many have and are walking the same paths, gleaned the same truths that have helped them to feel inner peace, tranquillity and love.
It made me think, separately, about hindsight. When we are in the throes of change, of upheaval, when we are in pain- we do not see because the emotion can become far more powerful at the time, and it can feel all consuming. Hindsight is looking back with enough time and seeing the lesson, seeing what really is. Because it is 'safe' to turn around and look because the emotions have worked themselves out, or they have become less extreme with time. The beauty of hindsight is the older soul who looks back. Because the growth that we make between the time of each transition to the point of hindsight is quite astonishing.
From my experience now though... I feel emotion is as important as the lessons. With all of the ego work I have been doing, I notice the 'freak out' with my ego. I notice how over time, the frequency changes. I think that the emotional grieving stage, the fear is important because we can really learn our own discipline to minimize it's effect. I wrote a while back that the key to the Inner Child feeling safe is consistency. Consistently knowing that you're okay DESPITE every freak out will eventually lead to trust and quietness because the Inner Child will know you can handle it. That strength is key to good parenting of the Self. I still freak out a little bit but know that in a few days I will be okay, when I have processed a little more.
Harnessing the emotional self is a hard task, but I believe the end result, when the emotions finally dissipate into understanding, and patience and knowing that it is safe- that the ego is then transformed into an Aware Ego. Aware ego is the experience of the lesson, our internal five senses- and if we can learn to let go of our own 'judging' and 'labelling' ourselves and experiences- stop applying the fear of extreme emotionality to difficult situations and instead just trust our bravery and survival instinct then we are better equipped at being 'outside' of us. Better equipped to see things as they really are, and see us for what we really are. And see just how magnificent we can be when we move past fear and surrender it.
I have also noticed the change in internal dialogue with self work. It's actually quite spectacular. Today, I had to smile at what I heard.
I was walking and I had some inner inspiration, and felt Ego start to preen. Another voice, we'll call almost-aware, and Higher Self stepped in. Here's the conversation-
Ego:Wow, we're smart!
Almost-aware: Higher Self doesn't preen about her wisdom. Higher Self doesn't need recognition for it.
Ego: yeah, yeah... and I guess Higher Self is going to tell me I know nothing. *Pout*
Higher Self: (with a knowing smile) You are young. You will learn.
I can see and label quite clearly now the separate voices from a Voice Dialogue Perspective- Ego is Inner Child (vulnerable, needy), Almost-aware is Protector/Controller (which is becoming more aware of the child energy and more aware of Higher Selves messages and ideals- which is AWESOME) and Higher Self is my elevated Consciousness. My protector controller is understanding and accepting of the process of becoming aware, as in part is my Ego- but not quite there yet. At least there is a bridge to that gap now, which has taken some time, but is creating a great amount of peace within me, a great amount of understanding.
'You are young. You will learn'- perfect example of a wonderfully optimistic and non-judgemental energy with great patience. I aspire to use this message to parent my Ego better. It's a solid truth. Those are the kind of truths that make all of the survival and resilience worth it.
Friday, 24 September 2010
The Beauty in Sadness
That might sound like an odd statement. There doesn't seem to be a lot of beauty in sadness or grieving. It can be one of the most despondent places in the world. But, let me explain what beauty in sadness means for me.
It seems that I have done things backwards when it comes to falling apart. When one usually falls apart, it begins with a sadness, and then as external pressures mount, deepens into depression, and if not put right- can lead to a full breakdown. I had my breakdown first. A series of mental illnesses, exhaustion and sickness- a completely dark place where there was no end to the feelings- no reprieve, no let up. And, at the time, only a subconscious will (not conscious, at the time I couldn't have cared any less about living) to get through it.
Over time, each time that I have been triggered, upset, grieved, worked through another pain that has been held in my heart, in my psyche for so long- it's gotten easier. Today, I sobbed. I'm grieving. I'm in a little bit of despair, a little bit of needing. I know now what my deepest wants are. I need to move and forge ahead with my own life. I need to get myself through college, get all my training, get myself a trainee job and work my ass off until, in two years time (I'll be almost 29 when the qualifications come through and I can pass for BACP membership) I have my practice. I'll have to get a little place, probably a flat for me and Davey until then, but hopefully I'll be able to pay bills and put some away so that when I start out on my own, give myself a year or two of five days a week sessions, hopefully will have enough to put a down payment on a little place somewhere nice and quiet, no real close neighbours, in the country, and a little bit of land where I can have my veggie patch. And then I can start the ball rolling because I want to adopt my little girl. I want to be a mum. First and foremost, my heart feels that, wants that. I yearn for it.
I'd hope one day for a loving partner, someone who is fit to be a father to my child, but it's secondary. I feel inside, a strength. Like, I know I can do this on my own. Those are my dreams. Those are the griefs that I am carrying with me right now, and that might sound odd- griefs- because they are beautiful things, hearts desires- but they are griefs because firstly, they are just a form in my mind and an image in my heart right now, not an actual fact. The answer to the solution of dealing with the first part of these griefs are the virtue of patience. And applying myself to meet those goals to make it happen in my future.
The second part of this is (and I have mentioned this before- but it seems to be some deep hurt I go back to) is feeling my life stolen away from me. Watching and supposed to be happy for others, when that should be ME doing this or that. (I know I have the power to change that- I have to) The scary thing is, and the reason for my tears tonight- is that if I stay here for years to come, that may become a reality. I don't want to wait until it's too late, until the deep pain is just too much and I am burdened by my own inability to reach past my own despondency (which would be displaced- despondency over INACTION not in actually taking the leap, but unfortunately, it's so often that emotionally, wires get crossed) and everyone elses judgements of 'so sad, she never really had a chance to make it on her own did she? It's not like she can do ANYTHING on her own can she?' I know I am deemed as such, the people around me don't know me very well if they don't think I'm intelligent enough to figure that out. I can see my nieces having babies and getting married and being blissful, and I held each one of those girls when they were only a few hours old. It's not that I do not wish these things to come for them- but it's my fear, my sadness, my grief- that that one day- sitting on the sidelines being a spectator on life, with only my yearning as my companion may be a reality if I stay.
It's not that I want to be 'first'. It's not a contest. It's needing those things to happen away from everyone else, away from opinion, away from spoken words, away from expression. For those things to happen quietly on their own. Like summer bearing fruits, there is no noisy transition between the budding of the leaves in early spring, to the blossoms and then to fruit. It all happens seamlessly and quietly. All transitions are the same- even our human transitions. It is only the freak out of our ego's that make them loud. Our inner children who fear the change that make them loud.
I want that quiet place where I can work. Where I won't be subdued by opinion which actually turns out to be a form of power over, because when it is questioned, manipulation appears (A play on Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Where I won't be distracted by what everyone else thinks, or lives, or anything else. Where I can just leave judgement behind. And where I can grow on my own, and be happy and vibrant and nobody (even those who are not quite aware, as much as they love- as much as I love- how much they are hurting me) can take away, diminish my light ever again. I need to grow in my power on my own.
So, I have decided. I have decided that after court and after everything is wrapped up and mum is okay- that I will find my own place. This may be getting on some time next year, but I know that is where it starts. Because I cannot live the same. I cannot live being a shadow any more. I want to be a light all on my own.
So.... back to the first paragraph explanation- as I realize I have gone on quite a bit. Beauty in sadness for me is realizing the greatest distance between the depth of ill I had- to what sadness is for me now. And sadness now is just not an ugly thing any more. Instead, it is a guard completely broken down, and a completely open heart. I feel my deepest heart in my sadness. And you really can't get any more beautiful than that.
It seems that I have done things backwards when it comes to falling apart. When one usually falls apart, it begins with a sadness, and then as external pressures mount, deepens into depression, and if not put right- can lead to a full breakdown. I had my breakdown first. A series of mental illnesses, exhaustion and sickness- a completely dark place where there was no end to the feelings- no reprieve, no let up. And, at the time, only a subconscious will (not conscious, at the time I couldn't have cared any less about living) to get through it.
Over time, each time that I have been triggered, upset, grieved, worked through another pain that has been held in my heart, in my psyche for so long- it's gotten easier. Today, I sobbed. I'm grieving. I'm in a little bit of despair, a little bit of needing. I know now what my deepest wants are. I need to move and forge ahead with my own life. I need to get myself through college, get all my training, get myself a trainee job and work my ass off until, in two years time (I'll be almost 29 when the qualifications come through and I can pass for BACP membership) I have my practice. I'll have to get a little place, probably a flat for me and Davey until then, but hopefully I'll be able to pay bills and put some away so that when I start out on my own, give myself a year or two of five days a week sessions, hopefully will have enough to put a down payment on a little place somewhere nice and quiet, no real close neighbours, in the country, and a little bit of land where I can have my veggie patch. And then I can start the ball rolling because I want to adopt my little girl. I want to be a mum. First and foremost, my heart feels that, wants that. I yearn for it.
I'd hope one day for a loving partner, someone who is fit to be a father to my child, but it's secondary. I feel inside, a strength. Like, I know I can do this on my own. Those are my dreams. Those are the griefs that I am carrying with me right now, and that might sound odd- griefs- because they are beautiful things, hearts desires- but they are griefs because firstly, they are just a form in my mind and an image in my heart right now, not an actual fact. The answer to the solution of dealing with the first part of these griefs are the virtue of patience. And applying myself to meet those goals to make it happen in my future.
The second part of this is (and I have mentioned this before- but it seems to be some deep hurt I go back to) is feeling my life stolen away from me. Watching and supposed to be happy for others, when that should be ME doing this or that. (I know I have the power to change that- I have to) The scary thing is, and the reason for my tears tonight- is that if I stay here for years to come, that may become a reality. I don't want to wait until it's too late, until the deep pain is just too much and I am burdened by my own inability to reach past my own despondency (which would be displaced- despondency over INACTION not in actually taking the leap, but unfortunately, it's so often that emotionally, wires get crossed) and everyone elses judgements of 'so sad, she never really had a chance to make it on her own did she? It's not like she can do ANYTHING on her own can she?' I know I am deemed as such, the people around me don't know me very well if they don't think I'm intelligent enough to figure that out. I can see my nieces having babies and getting married and being blissful, and I held each one of those girls when they were only a few hours old. It's not that I do not wish these things to come for them- but it's my fear, my sadness, my grief- that that one day- sitting on the sidelines being a spectator on life, with only my yearning as my companion may be a reality if I stay.
It's not that I want to be 'first'. It's not a contest. It's needing those things to happen away from everyone else, away from opinion, away from spoken words, away from expression. For those things to happen quietly on their own. Like summer bearing fruits, there is no noisy transition between the budding of the leaves in early spring, to the blossoms and then to fruit. It all happens seamlessly and quietly. All transitions are the same- even our human transitions. It is only the freak out of our ego's that make them loud. Our inner children who fear the change that make them loud.
I want that quiet place where I can work. Where I won't be subdued by opinion which actually turns out to be a form of power over, because when it is questioned, manipulation appears (A play on Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Where I won't be distracted by what everyone else thinks, or lives, or anything else. Where I can just leave judgement behind. And where I can grow on my own, and be happy and vibrant and nobody (even those who are not quite aware, as much as they love- as much as I love- how much they are hurting me) can take away, diminish my light ever again. I need to grow in my power on my own.
So, I have decided. I have decided that after court and after everything is wrapped up and mum is okay- that I will find my own place. This may be getting on some time next year, but I know that is where it starts. Because I cannot live the same. I cannot live being a shadow any more. I want to be a light all on my own.
So.... back to the first paragraph explanation- as I realize I have gone on quite a bit. Beauty in sadness for me is realizing the greatest distance between the depth of ill I had- to what sadness is for me now. And sadness now is just not an ugly thing any more. Instead, it is a guard completely broken down, and a completely open heart. I feel my deepest heart in my sadness. And you really can't get any more beautiful than that.
Monday, 20 September 2010
listen, my child.
If you need to break apart, break apart. If you need to cry, and you need to feel that fear in you- if you need to feel completely exposed- let yourself. Because there are worse things that can happen to you- and worse things that can happen if you don't. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There may be a part of you that will fight and say 'NO you CAN'T. You CAN'T feel this, you have to shut up because I say so.' Let me tell you my baby, that this part of you is just as scared as you are. So scared of being exposed and not being brave because hurting seems a worse fate than death. But it isn't. Even if your heart ends up being broken, it'll mend. I promise and guarantee that to you. And in the end, it doesn't matter who is the one breaking your heart, because even the people that are worth crying over, sometimes they've been sent to show you something, sent to teach you, sent to show you a light or for those who aren't worth crying over to show you darkness.
My beautiful baby I don't want you to see darkness. I don't want you to see and experience horror. I want to protect you and love you but I know I can't put you in a bubble and make you safe, I can't protect you always. I know that there are some things in life that you'll need to go through too- you'll need to get burned, you'll need to hurt sometimes and it won't make a lot of sense at the time. And the pain will be really hard to deal with, but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I BELIEVE in you. I know, that no matter what, even though you're going to be scared, that you are such a brave, beautiful spirit that you will come through it. I believe you will be okay. Because I know just how strong you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you believe any different because I've seen what you've come through, and how you still smile and you still have light in your heart.
I want to tell you that I will always be here for you. The dark places in this world- they aren't pitch darkness. There is always a light there, and only doubt that tries to smother it. One thing that remains constant and always will, an undying light, is my love for you. No matter where you are, you have every single piece of my heart. The real love in this world, the undying kind is the kind to always hold on to. Because in times of doubt, I want you to remember WHY people love you. Not why people don't. Those that don't are closed off and it's because of who THEY are, not because of you. Don't ever stop believing in you, and what you are and what you can do. Feel that vulnerability in you, because it's BEAUTIFUL. It's that little part of you that is forever young. That part of you doesn't need to be squashed if a contaminated person who refuses to take responsibility for himself tries to take you in and make you feel inadequacies that aren't yours. But that part of you does need you to stand up and be a mum- and to walk away. Because let me tell you from my own experience- even if a person had the strongest sense of self and self-esteem- and knew and loved themselves so much in the healthiest way possible- being subjected to constant lies, spite and hate filled words- it would wear on them.
Nobody should be allowed to kill your spirit my darling. There are some in this world, that unfortunately do try very hard to do so. And it isn't fair that they do. But there is a way for you to get away from that. And that is- walk away when you start to doubt reality. If someone hurts you, don't shrug it off, tell them that it hurt you. If they refuse to listen, and carry on doing it, then walk away. If someone makes you feel like you need to hush up and be quiet and not say how you feel- walk away. The minute someone hurts you physically, or attacks your character- walk away. Don't ever accept the unacceptable.
I wish I could feel all of this for you. But, some things happen, and they happen to make you strong. They happen to test. And you know something? If you make a mistake- the world isn't going to end. Nobody worth a dime will judge, The Universe won't judge- because even in the mistakes you can become stronger and more committed to righting the mistake, and you can learn. Don't beat yourself up because you got something wrong. It's OKAY if you do. Human beings were never meant to be perfect or exactly so and right- so never listen to that belief if it ever does come up. Always listen to yourself, always acknowledge, even the things inside that seem darker because they have something to say- they have something to teach- acceptance. Acceptance, because- you have a choice. First and foremost, most importantly, above all else- YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You don't have to do something that inside, you know will hurt you but something will try to drive you to it anyway. You don't HAVE TO. Ask 'why' but don't be afraid to let go. Some things will just come to you in time. Time isn't slipping away from you, and if it takes a little longer to get to where you want to be- what does it matter? As long as you get there, it's all that matters.
Celebrate your beauty my gorgeous child. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much words can't even describe. You are my light, and you taught me what love is.
My beautiful baby I don't want you to see darkness. I don't want you to see and experience horror. I want to protect you and love you but I know I can't put you in a bubble and make you safe, I can't protect you always. I know that there are some things in life that you'll need to go through too- you'll need to get burned, you'll need to hurt sometimes and it won't make a lot of sense at the time. And the pain will be really hard to deal with, but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I BELIEVE in you. I know, that no matter what, even though you're going to be scared, that you are such a brave, beautiful spirit that you will come through it. I believe you will be okay. Because I know just how strong you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you believe any different because I've seen what you've come through, and how you still smile and you still have light in your heart.
I want to tell you that I will always be here for you. The dark places in this world- they aren't pitch darkness. There is always a light there, and only doubt that tries to smother it. One thing that remains constant and always will, an undying light, is my love for you. No matter where you are, you have every single piece of my heart. The real love in this world, the undying kind is the kind to always hold on to. Because in times of doubt, I want you to remember WHY people love you. Not why people don't. Those that don't are closed off and it's because of who THEY are, not because of you. Don't ever stop believing in you, and what you are and what you can do. Feel that vulnerability in you, because it's BEAUTIFUL. It's that little part of you that is forever young. That part of you doesn't need to be squashed if a contaminated person who refuses to take responsibility for himself tries to take you in and make you feel inadequacies that aren't yours. But that part of you does need you to stand up and be a mum- and to walk away. Because let me tell you from my own experience- even if a person had the strongest sense of self and self-esteem- and knew and loved themselves so much in the healthiest way possible- being subjected to constant lies, spite and hate filled words- it would wear on them.
Nobody should be allowed to kill your spirit my darling. There are some in this world, that unfortunately do try very hard to do so. And it isn't fair that they do. But there is a way for you to get away from that. And that is- walk away when you start to doubt reality. If someone hurts you, don't shrug it off, tell them that it hurt you. If they refuse to listen, and carry on doing it, then walk away. If someone makes you feel like you need to hush up and be quiet and not say how you feel- walk away. The minute someone hurts you physically, or attacks your character- walk away. Don't ever accept the unacceptable.
I wish I could feel all of this for you. But, some things happen, and they happen to make you strong. They happen to test. And you know something? If you make a mistake- the world isn't going to end. Nobody worth a dime will judge, The Universe won't judge- because even in the mistakes you can become stronger and more committed to righting the mistake, and you can learn. Don't beat yourself up because you got something wrong. It's OKAY if you do. Human beings were never meant to be perfect or exactly so and right- so never listen to that belief if it ever does come up. Always listen to yourself, always acknowledge, even the things inside that seem darker because they have something to say- they have something to teach- acceptance. Acceptance, because- you have a choice. First and foremost, most importantly, above all else- YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You don't have to do something that inside, you know will hurt you but something will try to drive you to it anyway. You don't HAVE TO. Ask 'why' but don't be afraid to let go. Some things will just come to you in time. Time isn't slipping away from you, and if it takes a little longer to get to where you want to be- what does it matter? As long as you get there, it's all that matters.
Celebrate your beauty my gorgeous child. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much words can't even describe. You are my light, and you taught me what love is.
Going down, pulling up.
Today, I'm low. I've been low for a few days now, anxiety attacks, and struggling. After my trigger the other day I have struggled with a new 'enemy'- procrastination/inertia. I don't think this is plain exhaustion, because I can't seem to bring myself to do the very things I need to do. And they are little things. I was wondering whether it does go back to self-sabotage- whether this is my internal dialogue testing me to see if I truly do believe in myself. In fact-I believe I have been having a crisis of faith for a while- in me. Maybe some part of me REALLY wants me to fail. In which case, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of trying to surrender but being stuck in nothing because I can't muster up the momentum to move forward. I feel frustrated, and sick and I've had enough. I don't want to head down a slippery slope, and I don't want to be scared any more.
Maybe this goes back to my Protector/controller energy. It's been a protector of my vulnerable child for a really long time now, even to inner child's detriment- pushing away everyone in my life and making me feel invisible. Being invisible is a very lonely place, and not taking ANY risk is just as bad. And that was all in the name of protection. I feel myself going back to that place, and I don't want to. I don't want to be alone any more, not in my heart.
Has my protector energy kicked in because my inner child got seriously frightened?
Or- is my protector controller frightened to death because it can smell rebellion on the horizon?
I don't know exactly what is going on in me but I know if I'm not careful, it's going to be like pressing a 'pause' button on me and my life, and it just hurts to much to do that any more. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and be a spectator to all of the joy that my life could bring... I'm despairing and crying here because I want IN. I want IN on my own heart.
I know I need to be brave. I know I need to pull myself out of this, and work it through, and regardless, even if this 'threat' doesn't go away any time soon, I need to work. I need to do the little things that the inertia keeps saying- 'ah do it tomorrow'. And really, I need to stop listening to that voice. I guess I need to start reading again because I'm back in foggy land.
And so is the journey of healing- one step forward, and two steps back. I have to hug my vulnerability. I have to just become quiet again.
Maybe this goes back to my Protector/controller energy. It's been a protector of my vulnerable child for a really long time now, even to inner child's detriment- pushing away everyone in my life and making me feel invisible. Being invisible is a very lonely place, and not taking ANY risk is just as bad. And that was all in the name of protection. I feel myself going back to that place, and I don't want to. I don't want to be alone any more, not in my heart.
Has my protector energy kicked in because my inner child got seriously frightened?
Or- is my protector controller frightened to death because it can smell rebellion on the horizon?
I don't know exactly what is going on in me but I know if I'm not careful, it's going to be like pressing a 'pause' button on me and my life, and it just hurts to much to do that any more. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and be a spectator to all of the joy that my life could bring... I'm despairing and crying here because I want IN. I want IN on my own heart.
I know I need to be brave. I know I need to pull myself out of this, and work it through, and regardless, even if this 'threat' doesn't go away any time soon, I need to work. I need to do the little things that the inertia keeps saying- 'ah do it tomorrow'. And really, I need to stop listening to that voice. I guess I need to start reading again because I'm back in foggy land.
And so is the journey of healing- one step forward, and two steps back. I have to hug my vulnerability. I have to just become quiet again.
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