'It doesn't matter'.

I've been thinking on this statement for quite some time. I used to believe it was apathetic, dismissing, voice stuffing. And now, I see it with a whole new meaning.
I see the struggle with the ego, hearing the constant thoughts and dialogue, feeling the 'need'- for validation, to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted, to be felt, to be recognized. I listen to the endless argument/conflict inside. But, it doesn't matter. None of it does. The 'need' to be these things- is immaterial. It doesn't matter because it already IS. It is a mute point, because I am seen, heard, felt, and comforted, and more importantly, I am seen, heard, felt, comforted and recognized by myself. I just at times lose the capacity to see it, so like defense mechanisms past, I 'want' to seek it outside of myself. But it doesn't matter. What struggle is there- if I am honest?
If this is a part of the journey where I am building foundations of self-trust in different attributes of myself- then this is a stage of growth. I may not believe 'yet'. But I will, in time. All I can do at this point is be self-compassionate, and not let my 'want' to become my voice and actions.
I think about fear. I think of what I am afraid of. And what is that fear? It's of the unknown. It's of situations beyond me that are not 'safe', that I have no sway over, that I cannot control. Again, this is an ego issue. It does not matter! It does not matter because this struggle is needless. Things will always be out of my control, the only thing I have in this world is my own free will, and I pledge to use it wisely. So, it does not matter. I can surrender it, as much as my ego screams not to.
I think of the many emotive situations that are happening for me right now. And I recognize this- it is a transition. There is something happening within, I know this feeling, it's completely familiar. It's almost like the ego has some fore-knowledge of the new stage ahead of me, and has it's freak out. I am afraid. But I see it and it does not matter. It does not matter because I will be okay. Many of the things I fear, or think I 'need' will serve me no purpose for fighting them, and giving in to them. Because I have found so much that I have run from in the past has benefited me a great deal through facing them now. And if this fear has appeared to remind me of 'I CAN', and my strength, then I am thankful for it. And if, this 'need' has appeared to remind me of the qualities that I DO have, but I do not believe yet, then I am thankful. And maybe, in refusing to engage the conflict of the ego (which is the distraction) but to listen to the gems that can appear in seeing into the heart of it- looking into the face of vulnerability- this is the key to working through these recurring themes within myself. Many things in life can be a seemingly tedious distraction from the real feeling life. But, it is the conflict that 'does not matter'. The conflict does not matter because it takes away from peace, it takes away from listening, and being silent. But, sometimes, if we look hard enough into our ego's, the very thing that it 'wants' is the very thing we either have inside of us already, or the thing we need to surrender. It already IS. It already will be. So, it does not matter. I know now. I understand now. I am on the edge of this transition, and I am actually excited. Because on the edge of fear, is serenity.

'I Have Time' and other revelations

The greatest 26th birthday present from myself and to myself this year has been a quiet comfort, a deepening serenity, and a greatly thoughtful permission. This year, I say, 'I Have Time.'
What I mean by this is my understanding of my growth journey. It has been ageless. It has been not controlled by me, or the earth, or anyone or anything else. It has been a simple stirring and waking up of my soul, which I liken to as the waxing and waning of the moon- at times, truly visible in it's beauty, in other times elusive and disconcertingly removed from my sight by the vocal,constant chatters of my ego. I have no control over it. At times, I have found myself in despondency, wondering why I am worrying over this and that when it is taking up such precious time that I would like to fall in love, connect and embrace with my true Spirit. And I realize, even this despondency is 'need' (however more aware it may seem) that now I have finally connected to Self-worth and seen inner beauty, I believe the doubt that my soul has again receded and I am alone again, with the Ego, and inner processes that cause me great dislike. This is just another split off aspect of the Ego- which needs conflicting beliefs/ideals/identities to continue it's constant dialogue. So, 'I Have Time' simply means to me that I allow for the natural occurrence of the cycles to complete. 'I Have Time' means that the despondency, the anger, the sadness and loss is lessening faster and faster and there is a clarity, a sense of awareness and watchfulness in the stages I am going through, even listening to insecurities and old internal dialogue, realizations of my inner child, painful memories of past- they do not burn and cut me as they once did. I am 'seeing' them, and feeling them, but on a different level. Not that of apathy, but that of a very quiet compassion.
I have lived with my ego for quite some time, and as much as I have disliked and even hated at times, feared it and felt so alone in it's company- I realize that maybe- Ego has a true purpose. NOT to be the all encompassing, all defining vessel of internal dialogue, passed down from dysfunctional Family Of Origin, not to be a vessel of constant self-hatred, criticism, doubt, conflict, and defense mechanisms gone mad- but instead a vessel of TRUTH. Through the eyes of the ego we see the imperfect journey in all it's glory. We see the struggles. We see the fears. We see what we have been ruled by. We see what we have run from. And our soul feels great love and compassion for even these so-called failures because- they are still growth. Even if we do not see the wisdom in toppling- in being imperfect- our soul does. And like-wise, the Ego is also the vessel for triumph- and also, through it's own journey, learns to release it's hold on the soul and it's qualities and allows them to show through. And the rewards for this are balance and serenity.
So, I cannot hate my ego. I know that the ego itself is going through it's own process of transition. It is going from being an 'asleep' unaware ego into an aware ego. I do not know when Ego will fully embrace the true purpose- it is not on my watch, it is not for me to decide, it is out of my control, I do not have the God-like authority to command that 'it will be done NOW'. Everything in it's natural time. For as long as this earth has me, each moment is not 'I do not have time, I have too much to do, think about, fret about, fear about' but- 'I Have Time.' And 'I Have Time' forever more.

The delicate balance of power

In my quest for enlightenment and serenity, over my journey, the predominating question has always been- who am I?
This question has led to many other questions, where do I fit, what do I need to make me well, make me happy, make me at peace. And I realize now, even though asking many of these questions has helped me on my path, challenged me to seek out the truth, these questions are questions of my own Ego, which seeks safety, and seeks that safety out of 'belonging'.
The truth is, I do not belong. Not to anyone, not to anything- because these ties and binds and attachments to external measures so security is met- is not authentic. However, my deep love, compassion and heart for all of those who cross my path- this is who I am. This is what heightens my vibrations, this is what is my release from the constraints of my ego and it's judgement. I am not a story, I am not definable. I am a perpetual state of growth.
One of the most powerful things I have learned on my journey is through the wisdom of the paths walked by others. Those who I love, who have become dear friends, but also, and surprisingly, my enemy.
Enemies, as well as friends, can teach of the delicate balance of power. If friends have the natural attributes of strength, endurance, and faith, these friends you will witness triumphing in the world. Conquering over great odds, getting through some of the most adverse situations, pushing through, and dealing with their emotionality whilst still not giving in. These people are the victors and champions. These are the people who flourish, despite what they have lived, what they are living presently, and what they may have to face in the future. They face things because they truly have the belief that there IS a better way, of being and living.
Even if an enemy is the most vile, hateful being you have ever crossed paths with, even if this person is sadistic, malignant and full of malice, lacking in heart, lacking in humanity, and is consumed with 'self', these enemies we see receding and failing in life. As we can in particular, with narcissistic personalities be led to believe that the lives they lead forever more is a perfect world, where the mask rules supreme, we can understand that living a false, pseudo life does not make a life, does not make a happy one. It is a figment, a delusion, a lie, an inherent coping mechanism to deal with extreme feelings of vulnerability that comes with constantly acting out of the same abandonment, and power over, over and over. There is emptiness, and lacking, and no love, compassion, or appreciation of others. There is no link to the heart energy. There is just a lie. These people, however they seem, or appear will eventually always fail.
What I believe makes a life, be it what it may- does not just come about by sheer force of personality. It comes with perspective and BELIEF. If there is no belief in the self, if all that triumphs is pain, if it is easier to seek out a lie than to deal with the painful feelings of facing the truth, if the fear of truth or pain rules over every day, then it rules that life.
One does not need to be ruled by anything. Many things might kill us, but emotionality never will. That fear has deep irrational roots in the Ego, and it is rather the fear that defense mechanisms are no longer needed. How we view our emotions is also a predominating factor. If we view our own pain rather than a vile thing that must be squashed at all costs but as a sign of the opening of our hearts, or an indicator of a new learning cycle, if we view growth as a reward, as another glimpse to what we are becoming, then we become closer to our authentic selves. This the difference between being the champion of your life, and failing in life. Failing does not have to be perpetual. All that come to breaking point, of seeing doors closed again and again, of living in stagnancy, those who have broken mentally and emotionally have that opportunity to build upon those attributes of championing, because REGARDLESS of doubt, of cognitive dissonance, of absolute core beliefs that say 'you are a failure, you always will be', those attributes have ALWAYS been there. There is evidence there in many situations that have formed in life, if we have endured something we would rather not face, even if consciously we have not recognised it, that is our championing attributes coming through. There is always a chance for someone to make it, if it is their choice, if it is the truth, and if the intention is living with their heart.
Of course, there are also complete failures in this world today. Those who drift around creating devastation all around, who have completely disowned their vulnerability and gone into the no-mans land of sadism and evil. Those have no chance to ever become anything more. What they serve to be is a reminder to us of what the consequences of disowning our hearts can truly be.

When the path seems harder...

As I posted a few weeks ago now, I have been in something emotionally that has been a bit of a challenge to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, I am not dealing with it very well. So, the best I can do at this very minute is look at my internal state.
My 'Thought God' at the moment seems to be avoidance- 'I'll do it later' or' No, I don't want to go there right now, lets do something mindless because I don't want to think'.
I've noticed that my inner Critic has come back with quite a vengeance, I feel a lot of resentment stirring inside. I think, there is some confusion going on inside me at the moment, some cognitive dissonance. I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle, and everything I have read on the Pain Body and identifying with the 'voice' as the actual Self is a mistake to make. So, my confusion is- all of the inner insights, voices and instruction of wisdom- although they help, do they define me? Are they 'I'-Higher Self, or are they Ego? Are they aware or are they masquerading as 'higher authorities' in an attempt to gain control?
So, these questions pose a conundrum. The only thing I really know through the awareness of just witnessing what is going on in my internal dialogue/ego right now is- the unaware, young Ego will do all it can to survive. If it means pretending to be an ally, or the voice of wisdom from higher Source- if it means having the appearance of Transmutation it will do so to survive. The predominating emotion that comes with self-awareness and how Ego deals with it is fear. Many transitions cause unnecessary fear- because the Ego knows these are uncharted territories and it is 'unsafe' and the old world, however marred with pain, is somehow 'easier' to be in. Old patterns of dysfunction are 'easier' to upheld. So, when a point comes in the stage of growth where the memory or old buried issue that appears is frightening, and hurts, and is scary, even in the understanding of 'it's just an emotion, it's just a stage and it will pass' the Ego has a great deal of arsenal's at it's disposal. Old internal dialogue is used, inner Critic employed to threaten and demean other aspects of the Ego (the ones who truly are grasping the journey) and defense mechanisms employed. Denial, avoidance, inertia, exhaustion, and a great resistance to any further movement. This is the stuck place. This is where I am now.
I am exhausted, and there is something in me that says 'make the voice silent'. It doesn't necessarily mean the inner, constant internal dialogue, rather my own actual voice. My own voice lately has been reactive. I have allowed my ego to have my tongue, and if I just go silent, and refuse it's access to want to judge, or control, if I get rid of the 'need', by going silent, and being mindful and actively listening, maybe I can release some of it's hold over me.
I feel a little despondency. I have allowed doubt to come through to my inner haven. I am doubting my resilience, doubting my reality, and doubting my belief. I realize that over a period of time, that a certain stage triggered the Ego to being terrified it was no longer an authority or even useful and it took hold. I was too tired to see, and allowed it in. Now things must begin to change, and as slow as progress might seem, it only matters in mastering myself and regaining my serenity.
The journey may be hard and long but in the end, when the heart is light and beauty is felt- even in moments, we are there.

Cost, Benefit, and Analysis and pushing through.

I am working through something incredibly difficult at the moment. I seem to be stuck between wanting it to go away and wanting to try and push through this fear.
So, as I have learned, and as I try at this moment to implore to my Animus, my rational mind to help me- I'm going to reason this out.
The cost for me right now is what would happen through not working through this. What would happen is, I would most likely be okay for a while, I have learned much but I would still have an emotional block. I would still be ruled by defense mechanisms. I would still carry with me this hurt, and most likely, as things do- it would come back at a later date for me to deal with again. I would also be failing a lesson, and not be believing in my resilience.
The benefit would be triumphing over a painful part of my life, and like my resilience has been proven and solidified time and time again, my SELF LOVE would also be proven without doubt. This would be the greatest act of self love.
I would be able to TRULY map my path without my internal dialogue and emotions making decisions for me whilst masquerading as something else- as a 'higher authority'. I would solidify to my young ego that acceptance truly is the key to peace. And more than likely, as Synchronicity has taught me such, I would learn something extremely valuable in this. It may answer deep questions, it may give me a greater depth of clarity. But overall, it would show me what I CAN overcome.
So... to the analysis. I analyse that the benefits mean more to me. I can remain safe for a while, but for how long? And what would be destroyed through me not working through this? Self-trust? My own sense of authenticity?
I have never been a coward. I stayed for so long in the between because I resisted power over, and I did not have the faith in myself at the time to find my voice and release me. I do have faith in myself now. And I know myself. I am no coward, so it would be a slap in the face to who I am to stumble at the feet of fear.
So, push on I must.
And thank you, Animus, my dear male counterpart, for coming forward and enquiring me to ask for your help. Please stay with me through this. I will need you.

Tears of love are welcomed with an open heart.

That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.

The disenchantment of 'expectation'

I have heard, the whole of my life other people's definition of 'expectation', namely expectation of me. I realize now how flawed that definition really was. That definition was purely for me to follow script and 'be' what they believed modelled what they wanted- 'good daughter' meant keep quiet, shut my mouth, don't complain and do as I was told. Be controlled, and be always nothing more than a mere shadow.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.